Waking up resolved to stay the course
Yesterday, I got off kilter – over sentimentality took me down a path of longing for all those/that who have left instead of focusing on all those/that who are here. It’s easy to get off the path because doubt sets in, worry takes over, and soon you find that you are walking a tightrope and either way is a long way to fall.
We finished watching Hitchcock’s Marnie last night, our movies being carved up into four to six segments to finish. I must say contrary to popular belief, I’m not a huge Hitchcock fan and not sure that I’m now a Tippi Hedren fan either. He originally wanted to cast Grace Kelly (who I adore!), but not sure if the whole psychological thriller would have worked even with her as the star. When you put pen to paper and try to explain why someone descends into madness or becomes a thief as Tippi had become, it does little to explain how this cause had this effect except in black and white terms.
I could easily tell you that yesterday I woke up as Croatian’s say on my left foot (the wrong side of the bed). Tin seemed to wake on his as well as he was a little bit moody. But all of the events that stacked up in 2009 are still leaking out in 2010 – most people suffer post, not during, trauma. I was walking along the bayou with ghosts shadowing me – my dog of 14 years, Arlene, my mother, my Wolfie as well as other losses that get measured against so many. As well as a letter from my brother in prison belaboring his desire to see my son recircumcised by a mohel so that he is really Jewish and explaining to me in a four page letter how he remembers me as a little girl and having put lemon juice on my hair (my mom used to set my sister and I out on a blanket in the sun and pour lemon juice and baking soda on our hair to keep it blonde). Good grief.
My resolve as I rounded the bayou was to remember to let all of this flow through me – to not get stuck in any of the feelings that were crowding my mind. By the day’s end, I had found my way back to center and most of the negative thoughts that are bedfellows with sadness such as paranoia, self-doubt, and fear, flowed on by.
Tao te Ching – #19
Throw away holiness and wisdom,
and people will be a hundred times happier.
Throw away morality and justice,
and people will do the right thing.
Throw away industry and profit,
and there won’t be any thieves.
If these three aren’t enough,
just stay at the center of the circle
and let all things take their course.