Somewhere inside the wild, untamed mind impending joy awaits
A friend has found some solace on antidepressants. Actually too many of my friends have found solace on anti-depressants. I say this because I’m not sure of Lexipro, Celebrex, and Zoloft as the panacea for dealing with heartache, paranoia, feelings of failure, self-esteem boosters, and whatnot. I am not saying I know the answer. Today in yoga Michele spoke of having a well of joy inside all of us that we can tap into as good and bad times come and go. I’d have to say that mental illness perhaps runs in my family. My father was full of rage, my mother was full of terror, my brothers swing from passive to too aggressive and my sister is a whole other story – a study in paranoia and anger. My own mood swings of euphoria to depression have been ameliorated by an ever increasing overwhelming feeling of joy that began in 1989 when I left New Orleans and struck out for the frontier – California – and changed my life.
Impending joy.
It’s an issue because sometimes I wonder where it comes from and whence it might go. But for the most part it stays, and it accompanied me on my hero’s journey from California to New Orleans through flood and fallout, and it surged once passed my troubles and remains my constant companion. Where does joy come from – does it exist in all of us but we just need to tap into it? Maybe it’s more likely that meds and fear keep a lid on joy because it keeps us from feeling the whole range of our feelings like sadness, despair, longing, and anxiety. Perhaps we can’t feel joy if we don’t feel its opposite.
Impending joy.
Today I woke with an overarching sentimentality – I missed my mom, I wanted to call her when I heard the moon lullabye. I walked around the bayou and was just sort of dumbstruck by how beautiful my surroundings are and how transient good days and feelings are. I looked at Tin and he looked older and it made me ache. Loca had red eyes from her traipsing in the bayou one too many times and I looked over and saw this guy I have seen every day since moving here – he walks stooped over even though he is not old and he walks a Jack Russell Terrier and is hyper cautious about anyone else walking by. Today, the dog had stopped, too old to walk that much further, my heart lurched out of my chest as I thought about losing Loca one day and having lost Arlene and Wolfie within a year of each other. On the other side of the bayou, I turned Tin towards the LaLa and said, that’s our house, the LaLa, over there.
Impending joy.