Confusion and Confucious
I have had the pleasure of hanging around a 14-year-old lately and it is a curious age. There is an adult, a child, a teen, a sea of confusion, living inside that body and mind. “Who am I?” the teen asks herself not consciously but in everything she does. She aligns herself with adults she wants to emulate, and bats off adults the child in her wants to be free from.
I was 14 once – I think – and I was living in Atlanta, Georgia. I had a body like an hour clock and had been wearing a 4-snap bra for more than a year. I remember I traveled to visit my older brother in New Orleans and was sitting around the pool with him, a woman who I grew to love and adore (who died a few years ago in a car accident), and an assortment of other people who lived in the apartment complex.
At one point, every one ran inside to get something – cigarettes, water, go to the bathroom, and I was left sitting with this man, who I didn’t know. In my own world, I smiled at him and he said, “I want to eat your pussy.” And I was utterly shocked. I knew and didn’t know what this meant, but I had no clue how to respond and so I sort of caved in on myself.
My brother returned to the table right at that moment and he saw a look in my face and asked what was wrong. I had a choice right then and there to make this man uncomfortable or to continue to feel uncomfortable myself, and I chose me. “Nothing, we were just talking about how warm the water is in the pool.” That’s right, dear reader, I threw my OWN self under the bus!
I am a late bloomer, I chose a life of making other people feel comfortable and put their feelings always before mine. At 50, I’m still learning how to put me first without inconveniencing others. Still, I would hope I could help my daughter I hope to have stand up and throw her glass of water in some asshole’s face who said that to her at 14. But you can try your best to instill self-awareness into a child and yet, you never know how s/he will learn to negotiate the path of adulthood.
Maybe the only thing you can do is provide them a role model and hope for the best.
