March 12th – why is this day different from every other day?
I looked at the calendar this morning and was shocked to see it is the middle of March. Good god the earth is spinning way too fast for my sentiment. I spoke to a source in NY who said to me between the evil weather and Wall Street, the malaise there is so thick you could cut it with a knife. Here, we had a nip in the air, a vestige of winter, if you could call what we had winter.
Meanwhile, I walked through the park this morning, with a light jacket, and thought about the pelicans leaving soon and about gearing up my energies to pursue another adoption as well as a myriad of other things that were floating in the ether of my mind.
I’m caught in that sort of thinking where I think I know what is going on but I keep asking myself do I really? I feel sometimes as if emotion drives me forward, then intellect, then herd mentality, then isolationist instinct, then people push me and then I push against them, and I somehow don’t understand if I know more than the others, or if they know more than me, or is it that none of us knows jack shit?
I can’t exactly put this in words – but I feel as if I am straddling either total understanding, maybe even enlightenment and absolute ignorance.
And yet what I’m seeking is nirvana.