Disturbances in the field
My mother called and said she had a plan to save my sister which involved asking the guy visiting the guys who live downstairs to drive her to Atlanta and pick up my sister and then drive them both to Florida. There was something about this that made my insides crawl.
I consider myself a tolerant person, a free bird, open to new ideas. But what about the times I haven’t been? I remember when at the time the love of my life asked me point blank if I could accept that he might want to have another woman in his life at the same time. He said he loved that I was light skinned and light haired but he dreamed of a dark haired, dark eyed woman.
I was young enough that I would have laid across a railroad track for him, but for some reason as much as I tried to accept this all I could say was FUCK YOU and storm out. He never let me live that down – my inability to deal with things outside my normal scope – and I always struggled with my lack of “openness” – it’s been about thirty years since that encounter and I still scratch my head – was he wrong or was I wrong? I’ve chalked it up to neither-nor proposition but rather what he wanted not overlapping with what I wanted – maybe not end of story but end of that chapter for sure.
Last year, I met a woman who I was interested in and knew she had a history. I would ponder the ability to have a future with this woman and I entertained an open relationship. One where she could do whatever she wanted and we would have whatever it was that we were going to have but we wouldn’t enter a monogamous relationship because I sort of believe it would be doomed to short-term if we did. I never came to a conclusion on that – could I live with an open relationship? I don’t know the answer to this – all the parts that put me together say no, but then I also realize a lot of the construct was put there by people whose architecture didn’t necessarily serve them all that well.
If age has taught me anything it is to listen to my gut – it’s the Blink phenomenon – if my first reaction is negative, I listen. I may not act right away but that’s because who I want to be gets in the way with who I am sometimes.
What I can’t reconcile is how come when I say no to something that doesn’t please me, and then it doesn’t please the person I want to please, I feel bad. It’s like a no win situation.