Ships in the night
Set out this morning to walk the Bean and it was a pleasant morning with a nice breeze blowing some teeny tiny white caps in the bayou. I caught up with L and the boys and my pleasant morning started heading south – got in a spat over a past spat and realized that I am incapable of going back on anything anymore – I want all new and fresh issues coming in – the old has grown so tired in so many ways. I’m ready to be done with it. But I couldn’t convince L of that.
Had a crazy busy day at work and then had to run over to the LaLa because the alarm guy ran the motion detector through the clerestory window – we got to talking and he told me that he has never seen anything like what is going on – he said there are all these people working on houses that don’t know a damn thing about anything and the good ones cost a fortune and he said his own son in law who is good but who was doing work on his house screwed it all up because he had three guys working for him who weren’t worth a damn – “my own son in law, Rachel” the guy tells me. And it is the big WHATYAGONNADO?
Meanwhile had a quick bite with D and we got caught up on everything. Her daughter L has moved back from SF with child about to join us and so she’s happy to have her in the city but she said driving here and seeing how bad midcity looks she got very depressed – I said “oh I deal with this every day so I don’t notice the bad anymore I just see the tiny white caps on the bayou and the abundance of butterflies (some big as bats!)” – then she came up to my apartment at the Can and said “oh my god Rachel I would be so depressed if I lived here” and I said “really?” – I guess I have gotten used to boxes and not having my stuff and just living the weird and freaky life I forgot to notice that things aren’t normal – well hell – they aren’t normal – but I’m getting so used to that I’m not sure if I can re-enter norm.
She said B had been so excited about S and I possibly getting back together and she said her opinion was that it was not meant to be – “nothing has changed with you two” – and I said, well we came to that realization on our own. Then she talked about how things were with her and B and she said I just love doing things for him – his laundry, taking care of his bills for the business, etc. – she said “that’s how I love, Rachel” and I said with tears in my eyes “oh yeah, I know how that works.”
More work and then the gym – where for some stupid reason I played a playlist that was old and didn’t remember what was on there and so the first thirty minutes on the elipitcal were me and my tears gushing out like a fountain of sorrow and finally the endorphins kicked in and I was able to make the last 15 minutes count and by the time I entered the class and did another hour I was better. Much better.
But then I wanted to call it a night but J is in town and I didn’t want to not go because of her and so I mustered all my energy and smiles and went despite feeling tangled up in blue – and I still want to take a fucking canoe ride – what does it take?
Is it okay to ask a guy to take a canoe ride with you if you just want his company? – the jury is out on this one – there are books that have been given to me about what you are supposed to do and when – there are friends who coach you on what you should do or not do or say or not say right at this juncture – and there are those who know your soul and say you’re too raw honey, don’t get close but if you want a canoe ride that might be okay – there are those who might want what you want and so change the dynamic – suddenly asking a guy into your canoe becomes an exercise in some dating ritual that I would like to avoid – so unless he has done x y z – and I’m just not quite sure I remember what x is or y or z is – and because I don’t know the rules and I never did but now I wonder if I should – meanwhile my canoe is resting against my fence with my paddles in my truck – and N says she’ll take a canoe ride with me this week so that I don’t go without anymore. The canoe is not built for one. Maybe what I need to do is get the kayak and quit trying to fit a square peg in a round hole since that doesn’t ever work anyway.
And although I thought we were passed this point S managed to send me an email that got me further into my funk and he followed it with a forward of an email from A who sent photos of D and the kids – all three – the new one and the other two – O is now 6 – D and I were pregnant at the same time for the first time – and when I miscarried she came to my house and sat on the stairs with me and cried – she was the only one who acknowledged the grief and for that I thank her. As far as sending me the email today on this wretched day I realized that some people will never ever know the pain of not having a child – they may have other pain but they will never know what it is to have lost that opportunity – and so you realize that the distance between someone you love and loving yourself is so vast that freightliners can’t make their way across the divide and only you possess the power to right the wrong.