T minus 7 days
When is enough ever enough? I have counted the minutes (34,560), the hours (576), the days (24) of this separation – to think the first leg of it was to be two and a half months – as if! – and I know we will have to endure half this time again soon – and yet, this morning my breath quickens, my heart is heavy, my thoughts feel a dull hammer beating out this mantra “the third time will be longer, it will be 32 days, 768 hours, 46,080 minutes” – ay dios mio! – I tell myself to be present – to say, “Rachel, today, she comes home in 7 days, so YIPPEE!” – but my mind keeps creeping back to what is on the horizon – she says, “but it is the last separation” – and I think in my petty way – last, first, middle, whatever, I’d rather have already endured it, than know it is coming. Then I catch myself between a smile and a scowl – she’s coming home soon – T minus 7 days!!! and she will go away soon T minus 11 days!!! And then T minus 32 days – how will I suffer it? Then I say, we’ll have weeks together before that happens. Yes I say to my self. Self, I say, you can bear it. Then self answers – NO I CANNOT, look what 24 days did to me! And I say – it’s back and forth these things I say – swinging from pole to pole – I love her and can bear it, I love her and CANNOT bear it, I love her and can bear it.