The first day of hurricane season
Bad vortex right now – thought it was just me but seems to be in the air, in the ether. I met with the new contractor and it is confirmed I was being bamboozled by an idiot – now don’t just think yeah right it’s the new guy pointing the finger at the old gal – because D only confirmed what many many others have told me. It’s like the fucking legacy of N or something – I know – no matter what it just all ends up bad. What was that song L told me about a long time ago – it will all end in tears.
So last night went to see Cowboy Mouth and the crowd was the largest I have seen since going to these Wednesday concerts. I met up with G and towards the end the band got the crowd all riled up and going and it was really engaging and fun. We left to head to Emerils and meet T with M there – M is moving to California – a life long dream of his – rots of ruck I told him. We left them there and went to Cafe Brasil where G got to hang out with her hottie drummer and I took salsa lessons with an Asian data manager from the Westbank – hell he was a good dancer so whatyagonnado – but by the time Freddy came on with the band I was done – ready to go home – daunted by what is ahead of me – all this peeling off layers and walking around with this raw exposed insides just takes its toll on finding a quiet place in my mind.
Meanwhile in the middle of the night T called and said she and G had gotten in a spat and she brought my name into it and she was apologizing. Then G sent a note this morning trying to sort through what it all meant. I went to walk the Bean and met up with L and his boys and he seemed distracted and not in a great mood himself. We’re taking our moms to Ralph’s on the Park tonight for dinner – he brought J back from El Dorado for about a ten day visit. The Snake was out with Renny so we all walked and talked and then I came home to take a bike ride before the day got going. S called upset and we talked about what was eating at her and I told her I think it is some universal malaise we have all entered.
From my own myopia – I stand between being thrilled to be here in New Orleans and being tormented by the task of living and dying in New Orleans – the LaLa, it being June 1st, the artful recovery of a heart that has been skewered to the goddamn nth degree now repeatedly with the latest round robin with S, the delicate balance of friends and their tender hearts, and just trying to find a way to go forward that makes some sense out of all this mess. Maybe it doesn’t make sense. N is driving home from Virginia and she is writing country songs in her mind to keep herself awake – she said I inspired one which goes “What we had is all we got” – she finds me as a subject matter highly amusing – sometimes I do too and sometimes I’m just wary of the whole ensemble.
I went for a long bike ride and thought about T who rides his bike most mornings – who N called the “guy on the bike who never smiles” – and I wasn’t smiling for the first time while riding my bike and I didn’t smile the whole time and I rode to the lakefront and I kept my grimace thin and tight – and I wondered if T woke up feeling the way I felt today every morning – and thought hell that would be tragic – and so like all human beings when you hear or find or make yourself aware of someone who is worse off than you, your life with its petty pathetic issues that get you down doesn’t seem so bad anymore. Seems almost doable, livable, lovable (perhaps), or at least manageable today on this the first day of hurricane season.