Official Pool Day
I don’t know what it is, but here it comes again. Long meeting with the superintendent (that should go in quotes) named O for the LaLa and disappointment reigned – N’s house is leaking why should I use that guy to flash my house when my house needs lots of flashing? The floor guy doesn’t return O’s calls. The window guy doesn’t return K’s calls (the contractor). The a/c guy doesn’t return my calls or follow instructions. The plumber has gone MIA. The superintendent tells me that people show up to work on the LaLa and run the other way because it’s difficult. His boy, R, says to me why would they work on this when they could work on something easy. And I tell them – because it’s worth it, because it’s not easy, because it’s slightly different but it would be rewarding. And the blank stares come.
I work hard – catching up on every nuance of every report we’ve done in the past few months – I’m off to see clients to tell them about what we know – what we know is that the advertising world is in a malaise – much like everything else in the world.
I run hard.
I run by the woman selling creole tomatoes. I come back to the Can and get some money and go get some of those tomatoes. Then on my way back up to the apartment I spot people going to the pool and I think – the pool? – and I come up and call N and say let’s go swimming and she says she and the Snake have just gotten in bed for their nap. So I go down alone and swim laps. And under the water I have a flood of memories that don’t get me down, they just wash through me.
And I think about things – about people – in some kind of abstract way – and I lay on the lounge chair and a little boy asks his mother what I am doing – and I look at him and I say I am doing this – and I lay there in the sun drying off and I think about things – and about people – and I have no feeling – instead the feelings and thoughts appear and disappear with no purpose. I think about my friend N trapped here during Katrina telling me she will never go in the Can’s pool again because of what she saw during the storm. I think of sitting down at the pool with S, N and others and trying hard to understand what I should do. I think about coming to the pool solo with W and just him and I enjoying it. I think of the little girl that so captured his attention and led him around the pool. I think of a pool at the LaLa. I think of a Chinese baby at the pool. I think of the Chinese girls at the pool in La Jolla yelling mommy to E. I think that life is short and should be enjoyed.
I am supposed to meet L, A and P later at Vaughn’s. I have a date with G to talk about a business idea. I go to G’s house and I bring all the materials and we talk about this business venture and it is exciting. And so we’ll see.
L, man of mystery, called to go hear music – I told him I’d call when I get back in town.
My decision tonight is to step back, not forward, because I am not ready for prime time. My whole aura, if you will, has changed, shifted, and I don’t know what to do with myself because myself is different. I remember all those Marinites who said I had good energy – I don’t right now – vestiges of confusion and wreckage and ruin – and one day I will be in harmony again – but not now, now is still walking over hot coals – putting out fire with gasoline – flames – foundations crumbling – walking through a fog – looking in the mirror and seeing someone I don’t know – trying to breathe – a skittishness to engage with anyone in any meaningful way.
Sometime in mid August I am coming back – until then I can’t be trusted.