Age
I spent three days with my teenage son in the desert and had a realization. I’m getting older.
I have been able to fake that I am 50 years older than him by keeping up with his energy level. I have a high energy level. A new realization set in when I was in a higher elevation, exhausted from waking up in the middle of the night to catch an early flight, and all the comings and goings of my normal life. There was no hiding my age.
I felt we were both too vulnerable to name it. Tin was experiencing a death in his life for the first time that wasn’t an animal. He felt vulnerable, scared that something might happen to me now. I couldn’t say with any assurance that he was wrong. And I couldn’t say to him in his vulnerable state on that day, that I needed to slow the pace, to rest, and to chill. These are not words he has ever heard from me, but it is what I wanted to say this time. I needed time.
I came home and after doing the things I needed to do, I woke sick. I stayed in bed for five days tending to this body and my health because I knew that I need rest. I needed time.
What does vulnerability look like? I was thinking of the idea of this new solar cycle I’ve entered which has 24 years in it. In 24 years, I would be 89 (ahem). I would be lucky to live a healthy life till I’m 89 years old given that both of my parents died young, my father at 62 and my mother at 74. My grandparents lived into their 90s though. There is no sugar coating turning 89 years old. You have earned the right to rest!
At 89 years old, my son would be 39 years old. I would love nothing more than to see him flourishing as an adult in his own way, in his own rhythm. Then I could quietly go on.
I am going to open myself up to the aging that is happening to me. It is slowing me down. It is opening me up. I’m growing wiser, more spiritually fit than before. I am telling the people I love how I feel about them. I’m getting my affairs in order – will, power of attorney, medical power of attorney – and I’m looking forward in my life, not backwards, because I intend to make use of these minutes, hours, days and weeks, months and years. Good use. A good life.
