Finding light in the darkness
The day’s auspicious beginnings – walk Loca and see B with Taylor – she’s telling me about something innocent, a discussion amongst friends, but I’m hearing something else – the underlying messages that are being sent are registering on my face till B asks, “You okay?” Yes, I say, a little teary. Good god, stop the madness I think, so I walk good and long through the park, and go good and long through my mind’s eye to make sure this is a day to be thankful, not a day to mourn for what is not present in my life.
Later at the coffee shop, I’m outfitted with all sorts of consumer devices – cell phone, IPod, laptop – all these things that help you communicate and yet the one person I’m trying to send a message to is the one I’m communicating the least with. This is the one I’m suddenly tongue tied or miscommunicating with or simply just not getting everything that wants to spill out of my mouth out in any sort of articulate or cogent manner. And I get a text from AA who is with her girlfriend in Florida taking a time out from the busy year to relax. Her text simply asks, “Well?”
I read through some reports and emails – attempting work in a different place to gain a different perspective – and another text comes in – “U okay?” – what suddenly am I on death row or something where everyone has to check in and make sure I’m okay? I’m okay all right, already. But who wants to be just okay?
I go to Swirl and visit with B&K and end up eating wasabi peas that make me have a stomach ache. So then I just go home. But I forgot something at the coffee shop and have to go back. A purple scarf. And in the gloaming – a time when I normally feel a sense of peace – walking around the bayou I see a silhouette of who is so familiar, of who makes my hand shake, it is a living vision board to which I want to tape the following ideas/thoughts:
I want to get to know you!
Let’s go to India!
I want a hot tub, do you?
Let’s go eat at August and sit at the bar instead of the main dining room.
I want to drive to Beau Rivage – I’ve never been – and dance at night and do spa during the day.
Let’s lay in bed for one full day and never get up – we’ll pack an overnight picnic the night before and plug in an electric pot of water for tea.
Let’s walk the dogs till they are so exhausted they come back and sleep and we run around in PJs with socks on.
Let’s dance – always.
I want to watch an entire movie with you sitting on my lap.
Let’s take mad money and shop in New York.
Read this poem aloud to me: “… our souls therefore which are one, endure not yet a breach, but an expansion, like gold to airy thinness beat. If they are two, they are two so, as stiff twin compasses are two … thy firmness makes my circle just, and makes me end where I begun.”
Read that poem in the bathtub with bubbles two feet high.
I’m sorry – I’m sorry – I’m sorry.
Let’s ride bikes all over Cuba.
I want to smell you.