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Yesterday morning, I got up early and went for a run with Stella and then hopped in my truck that has part of the suspension work done and headed to Ponchatoula to a full-day meditation retreat. As usual, I got lost on the way; then when I realized only ten miles later, I started to backtrack and was making a U-turn on a country road and ran right down into a ditch only a mile from the retreat.

Some call this practice. The same thing happened when I went last year to Flowering Lotus for a weekend retreat in Mississippi, coming out of the weekend long event, I was ticketed by a police officer for parking in the wrong place – $150 ticket – the owner of the retreat came running down the road to speak to him but he said the best I could do was talk to the courthouse on Monday morning. I’m not sure why restorative times are often coupled with chaos, but they seem to move hand in hand in my world.

My friends are going to Nantucket this year without me – a big boo hoo. Flower sent me a bar of Nantucket soap from Crabtree & Evelyn to make up for the loss. When I told one of my Nantucket friends, I said I don’t think I could bathe alone with the soap because it wouldn’t be reminiscent of having her knock on the door or sit on the side of the tub or pee while I was bathing. We had a good laugh. One of the gals sent me this photo which was taken possibly the first year I was there – that would have been 2006 (notice all the empty wine bottles in back of me).

Here I am with hair, thinner around the mid section, and having just had most of my world fall apart. Interesting that all the king’s horses and all the king’s men never put this Humpty Dumpty gal back together again.

I think we all have a place of wholeness or a perceived time when our center held, but mine is getting further and further from that specific time and now I wonder if it was just an illusion?

I came home from the day long retreat more confused than when I went. Sty called and said that he has 15 gigs this next month and things are going swimmingly for him in Destin except he would like me there with him. I’m not moving or moved. I went last night to my friend’s birthday party and house christening and played DJ for her – we tripped the light fantastic dancing to Lamar Kendrick and Nicole Jackson, and I came home way too late, and got up way too early.

I woke with a barrage of questions spilling out of my head, heart and soul that have no real answers.

And all I could think is this is all leading who knows where?

I’ve alighted on the fact that the blessing is not knowing, just receiving:

i thank You God for most this amazing
by E. E. Cummings

i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun’s birthday; this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any—lifted from the no
of all nothing—human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

This entry was posted on Sunday, June 21st, 2015 at 1:34 pm and is filed under Main. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.