Therapy Quad
I had therapy yesterday – several armchair therapist friends and myself ransacked my being and came up with answers, advice, and areas to watch. A long distance ACT (arm chair therapist) had said to look at ANW (action not words) and yesterday while I was busy doing other things other than thinking about my current affairs, I started registering actions that were not jiving with words or with the picture I have painted in my mind.
Making dinner for a friend, I tried not to serve up bullshit and lies, but I also wanted to keep myself and my thoughts and most of my desires insular and safe from being picked apart by someone who means well but may not respond well and who brings her own leftovers (past hurt, present fear) to the dinner table.
Moosey showed up in the middle of dinner – a reminder of how desire can be restrained and yet still enjoyed.
When both guests had left, I received a text out of the blue to appear before a tribunal of two ACTs – one had just spent the evening at a function with her recent ex – while she put in the time to doll herself up and look hot, she also took a moment to jot down all the reasons why she is not with that person anymore, which helped her stay the course in the face of emotional upheaval. Of course, I had made my mental list earlier of areas to watch and that had given me pause and perspective, even if it did not diminish desire.
It was a long day of hard work both real and experienced – and I came to this conclusion: I feel good about who I am and where I am in life. Whoever enters my sphere as a lover has to come carrying the same credentials – or at least be getting close to owning past behavior and actively attempting to remedy it. Read: I’m ready but are you?