Wretched Excess
The Bean would not let me linger in bed this morning even though every fiber of my being wanted just that. Yesterday was a wretched day – really – hard to believe you can keep having wretched days but got up and went to work out and exercised for two hours trying to push passed feelings of anxiety and sadness with S leaving later that day. Then home to turn over the truck to him so he could go have lunch with a friend. I kept weeping – just sitting around weeping all day. Couldn’t quite put my finger on what was causing the wretchedness because at dinner the night before I acknowledged to myself how much I do love S, but how I believe in us moving on apart as the right thing for both of us.
I walked over to LaLa with Arlene but she hesitated and needed to come back upstairs, so we got part way there and turned around. I went on by myself and looked around – the lumber is there, staged, and ready for the framing to start. The gd bobcat bit a hole in the front porch stairs. On my way back S was driving up. We went upstairs and the Bean threw up. My nerves get shot when she is not well. So between the already weepy mood and the lethargy that is pulling me downward – I just became more wretched and lay on the daybed unable to move.
While I was contemplating the four walls I thought of this guy who went to dinner with F and I in Orlando. He asked me if I had children and I said no. And you? I asked. He said he had had a vasectomy at 16. Is that even possible? I finished my fifth T&T and called it a night. I’m sick of the smugness of people who make life’s decisions when they haven’t even begun their life yet. Boring.
L text while I was on my back and asked me to come for dinner. So in the afternoon S and I went over to look at the Pitot House – the colors and the brick – and then I took him to the airport for a tearful goodbye. Then S called and she talked me off the ledge yet again. We talked about the two year plan and the darkness before the light and she did make me feel better.
L’s been sick and he was in his jammies when I got there. We sat at the table and I straight up told him he was dealing with a miserable human being and enumerated all my reasons for being f’d – and he turned them all around on me – sad that S is leaving is to be expected – it is sad – I’m not ruined – loving someone is not foolish – one day the LaLa will be my home – at least I’m not a tick – whether or not the weasel exists is tbd. He then reminded me of the affirmations I gave him a while back – act studly was my favorite one. We went on to talk about his graduation from the fake ID into another dimension and where things stood right now – again tbd. I told him about seeing M earlier in the day and her tales of miserable men.
So between S and L they got me out of my wretchedness and back on track. I still didn’t want to get out of bed this morning because I was having a long string of curious dreams. In one I was at some sort of amusement park and I had to get to the next level, but that involved climbing a curved ladder – but the foot bars were on the outside like spikes and I had to climb up into the curve and then almost be upside down to get to the next level and I had to do it all by myself and I am terrified of heights. An attendant walked up and told me I had to take off my locket because it might choke me. I climbed on, held on tight and tried not to look down at what seemed like a black abyss from where I started, the attendant had vanished, and when I made it to the top my sister with her long blonde hair flowing and one of my nieces were there waiting for me, and a couple of other children I didn’t recognize, and N – whose hair was long long long. They were all laughing at the scared look on my face – I could almost feel my pallor. Instead of getting mad at them for not sympathizing with how scared I really was, I got the giggles because they were laughing so hard.
I woke up with mirth on my lips and thought how the road ahead is not going to be straight but curved and laughter will pull me through the wretchedness – and that is my first affirmation – open my heart to mirth again and again even though I risk a great fall every time.