A developing self
I spoke with my life coach today and I highly recommend her. I went through the list I had just posted on what I want in life and told her that I have been trying to figure out my whole spiritual self in the sense of how I orient myself in the world. For example, do I subscribe to the do all you can and then let the universe handle the details, or do I subscribe to being very specific about what I want in life, something that has come at a great price for me in the past. I knew from my past work with her that I have certain saboteurs that are likely to come up and asking for what I want is a good place to invite those little critters in.
So I read her my list and she thought that I had a different theme in these questions than I have had in the past. These wants/desires are aligned with my core values. In the past, I had said I want a relationship, or a family, and a home but I had not attached my value on any of those – a value pertinent to me. She sees my new list as having my values front and center.
We also talked about who I am. Who are you? she asked me repeatedly. “I am positive energy!” I finally said to her after trying to describe myself to myself – I see myself with a smile and a spring in my step.
There is a good chance that 53 years of having carried the identity as the daughter of an alcoholic and a rageaholic have colored my ability to withstand external circumstances the way some are able to (or maybe everyone has difficulty and some just look to be handling things with such ease).
My life and my interaction with challenges and tragedy as well as joy have also fed my writing as I’ve tried to discover, uncover, recover who I am outside of this long held identity. Who would I be if that identity wasn’t ruling the roost anymore? What if my friend in the Sierra cabin was right – that isn’t love?
I’m getting closer to identifying other parts of me – other than the daughter of the “olics” and the caretaker, and with that is coming a certain peace, a much calmer me, a person more in control of who I am.
Bring it.