Someone I’m used to
I went for a brief run in City Park this morning because my bike ride is being squished into the need to get some items for a school meeting tonight plus work. So be it. But as I was running I ran into a fellow park walker and he called me Red, as he always has, but then he stopped himself.
As I ran past him I realized that I have spent 2012 grieving the someone I used to be. It made me think of Streisand’s Someone I used to love. Or rather a more updated version by Gotye, Someone that I used to know. I twisted each of these lyrics in my mind as someone I “am” used to loving, someone I “am” used to knowing. And there’s the rub.
My friend support me by saying I can start over – go ahead. My life coach asked me what is it about who I used to be that I miss, that I want to bring back? Dunno. When I look hard at who Rachel was the coach tells me that I was always trying to please everyone and do what’s right. My friends just know that I was hyper and was always doing something, never relaxing. Is this someone you want to bring back?
So I grieve. It’s hard to lose a friend especially when it’s you. As I ran through the park I just grieved over the loss of who I was and thought, okay, this is cool, grieve, and then make room for who you are becoming. I am unwritten.