Don’t be so hard on yourself
Sunday morning, I waited for the girls to call for our bike ride, and finally called B and learned they were not going because of her back. So I saddled up solo and went, but by then it was late, I was a little hungover from lack of sleep after a lovely evening, so I was pokey as I rode towards the lakefront. Got there though and felt terrific and was enjoying my IPOD, the lake, my bike, and generally at peace with myself. I headed towards the Leon C Simon bridge and then back to West End. I was debating the extra 20 miles and suddenly saw a friend and so started riding tandem. My friend wanted to speak about relationship issues. Seems like everyone these days wants to speak to me about relationship issues – and while they are the typical relationship issues – this one is controlling, this one is flaky, this one doesn’t listen, this one takes me for granted – it all started to seem like anyone with a brain would not even entertain the idea of building a relationship because inevitably it all points to relationship issues. Of course, that is the cynical side of the equation – the other side is the part where you blindly play the next round with faith that this time you will hold the winning hand.
I came home and thought about New Orleans and our recent two year Katrina anniversary and how everyone believes we have not done enough. I thought about my work and media in general and the difficulty today in finding the stories we used to find a few years ago when the landscape was more structured and less volatile. I spend a fraction of time worried about my mother and sister and their difficult lives. My neighbor came by for breakfast and a cup of coffee. I said I’m not sure why I sometimes sense this underlying thread of doubt about this fabulous life I’m living – as if maybe it’s all an illusion – it’s like a crack in the armor. Or that Eli’s coming type feeling creeping in. She said it’s when I’m hard on myself.
Maybe we’re being too hard on New Orleans – when I see what we’ve accomplished in two years it’s more wow, than whoa. When I make note of the wonders in my life, my happiness level at an all time high, the joy coming from so many touch points, and gratitude I have to have work that I enjoy, I have to stop myself from allowing Eli into my life – there’s no room for him here.