The darker side

Maybe Loca just represents the dark side of me. She woke me up again, but maybe I woke her up, it’s hard to say, about 3am my head started itching as if someone had thrown fire ants on me. I got up and looked in the mirror and had welts all over my lumpy head. Not a good look to say the least.

I went back to bed and looked outside and the thoughts that stormed my brain are cliches like the universe only gives you what you can handle and so not cancer, not disability, not death – just annoying. Isn’t it fitting that what would plague me is simply annoying. I ran into my doctor yesterday on the bayou as I was at my neighbor’s crawfish party celebrating my birthday and she said, how are you? And I said, varies by the minute. Tachycardia, out and out lethargy, unmotivated, and little did I know lumps were coming next. She said it takes time to get adjusted.

Time, it’s funny how everyone kicks that around all the time. It takes time to get over ______. Well, yesterday on my birthday I received copious amount of cards and one was missing. The one I got every year from my grandmother with the five dollar bill in it. I miss that card. I received numerous text messages wishing me well, but it was the call I didn’t get that I hung my head and cried about on the back stairs. The one from my mother. I miss her. Wretched mothers – they plague you to no end when they are alive and then they die and leave you bereft of their company. What sort of universe creates this dynamic?

Loca inched up to my bed and stared at me with her black shiny eyes. I couldn’t see them because it was dark. But I could feel them boring a hole into me. WHAT? I wanted to scream or maybe I did scream at her. WHAT is the question I want to howl at the universe right now. I get it – I get that all of this is a sign to step back and take stock of my life. But my insides are crawling and teeming with deep profound questions.

Yesterday, for my birthday celebration, friends gave me a card that said, on your birthday while you go in search of deeper meaning and universal truths and then you open it and it said, we will be at the bar. Is it fair to say that even though I laughed, I just really wanted to scream – could be the drugs, someone said. Yes, could be the drugs.

Two babies, kids, champagne, crawfish, cards, friends, loved ones, houses, grass, water, sky, clouds – I observed them carefully yesterday while out on the bayou and only one thought came to mind, and it was Joni Mitchell speaking:

I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s cloud illusions i recall.
I really don’t know clouds at all.

2 Responses to “The darker side”

  1. Mudd Says:

    I *feel* for you, Rachel…
    I really do.

    And I LOVE that Joni Mitchell song.

    Don’t know what else to say…

    (((hugs)))
    and a smile

  2. Rachel Says:

    Mudd – thanks for the hugs, always appreciated. A friend of mine traveled to see that woman that hugs everyone. There is something about her doing that that always pleases me. Thanks for your empathy – appreciated it.

    This too shall pass. Love. R

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