Dangermond.org

We had decided to quit bringing the cats in for the numerous senior wellness exams, and countless bloodwork this and thats, and also for the boarding shots since they are never boarded. Annual savings about $600.

Our house became a haven for wayward pets but I had to have a come to Jesus with all of the animals around here. I had a one on one conversation with each of them:

1) Bam Bam – we took you in when your owner died and you have been weird and deeply disturbed from the get go. You did satanic things to the sofa pillow till I had to throw it away. You carried the carcass of that dead stuffed moose for so long like it was a kill all the time yowling in the middle of the night till we finally kicked you to the screen porch for nighttime. I’ve done my share, now you do yours.

2) Blekica – we took you in because they were going to kill you. You kneaded your head into my stomach and showed how affectionate you could be and then you came home with us and turned into a psycho kitty. You clawed the sofa, you clawed my favorite sarong, you clawed the coats in the closet, you have pissed off every other animal in this house, you meow so loudly you wake up the neighbors. You are so bad you resemble the kitty in Bad Kitty not to mention Tin is scared to walk into a room if you are there. You flew up and bit my lip. You are being given your fair warning, enough.

3) Loca – you jumped into my arms at Swirl after someone dropped you off at the curb. You have too much energy but you are handsome and a clown. Alas, you ruin a lot of my walks because you aggressively attack other dogs. I have no peace with you. I have asked you to stop but you continue even though now you are 4 years old. You are jealous of all the other animals and right now the only redeemable thing I can say about you is that you loved Arlene and were kind to her before she passed. And you were kind to my mother, getting on the floor to look into her eyes when she fell. But you growl at Tin, which makes Heidi fight with you and you bit Heidi on the forehead and drew blood. Your negativity is unacceptable. You must stop.

4) Heidi – up until recently your only flaw was that you shed, copious amounts of fur all over everything. But as of late you have begun stealing bread and crackers. You nuzzle into any nook or cranny to seek out these carbs and you tear through bags to get to the crumbs. I came home tonight to find an entire loaf of bread on the floor, eating every bit except for plastic tears. Shame on you. You are fed well here, along with treats. If you feel like we don’t feed you enough, perhaps you would like to try someplace else?

I have said my peace. Admittedly, I am no Dr. Doolittle.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 14th, 2011 at 10:02 pm and is filed under Main. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.