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Mom and I were talking about the state of things and she kept asking “how are you?” and I snapped and said “I’m trying to tell you!” – the question grates like chewing glass no matter who asks it. Anyway she seemed not to notice even though I apologized for being testy and said, “Honey, I can remember coming to your school when you were in the 7th grade and watching you in the hall walking towards me … I remarked even then how you have a great walk, full of confidence, and I don’t know where you got it but that’s how I always think of you, confident.” Who was that girl? – I’m confident about these things only: I don’t know what the future holds and not sure I want to know either.

L and I talked about our past lives this morning as he exchanged poison arrows with P – in one he told her she’s a different woman than the one he married … and so is he … and so am I and so is S and so is N and perhaps so is V – it’s almost like everyone needs a reintroduction – uh, I’m not that same old silly person still in love with you.

Listening to Old 97’s as I put together a playlist for our Bahamas trip – Girls Trip is the title as the girls are not bringing spouses this year for the first time – A said no video cameras because she predicts girls gone wild – makes me laugh – reminds me of us in Key West a few years ago – just girls: “Who Let The Moms Out, Woof, Woof” – now playing: Rhett Miller singing “I’m wishing you were here/wishing I was too” – music up loud – the new neighbor J who lost his house and everything in it knocks – kind man – could you turn it down? – sorry.

The buck moth invasion seems to have abated to only dead ones on the sidewalk now. How long has it been since caterpillars hung from the trees and wasn’t there a big old hurricane or two in between and yet these buck moths found a way to swarm again. An again another fantastic day in the Crescent City in the dead of winter – need to get out there and take it in and shake off a night of wish fulfillment gone awry. A night of dreamless sleep — I think of Dr. Seuss: “You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”

The statement probably needs a little tweaking to really fit but it certainly alludes to fit and fit is what it was all about 4 me – r.specs – plan A – menu – more, more, more – Toady – grd – laughter while walking off the planet – the unnatural coincident with the who’d have known – the bizarre context.

Then the horns blow – the new id – and I hear confusion wafting in with the breeze and the question falls back to Rule #1 and responsibility and I want to say yours is to teach about life not to shield from it – proceed with unequivocal clarity that there is no blame and resilience will follow naturally, someone already said that – want to direct him back to that missive – but when it first arrives I feel an aching overwhelming need to protect, to insulate both of them from hurt –then the next: don’t want my ambivalence to keep hurting – let it coexist with your certainty, honey –liberate yourself from the burdens of the world, you are not the Great Shock Absorber – stop. None of us are super heros, we are people, feet of clay. But I say hardly any of this and fall back on my oath – that I cannot be objective so cannot respond.

We don’t have the right wardrobe to be super heroes – no matter how hard we are pressed into action. Need Edna Mode.

S said he is glad to not be living in my “need for perfection” world anymore. Another S told me in California that this super human tendency was going to kill me. 20 plus years ago K told me he often dreamt he was Superman because he thought that’s what I needed. He spent his REM time scooping me out of flaming cars and falling bridges. Note to self: talk to E.

Switch from Girls Trip playlist to one from N – Wolf Parade – “I am my father’s son” – is this what haunts u? – my first response – then next song: “I am not in love with the modern world” – this is what haunts me.

This entry was posted on Sunday, January 8th, 2006 at 5:49 pm and is filed under Main. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.