I Wanna Make It All Right
It’s an old cliche that sometimes getting away from the daily routine helps sharpen what has dulled. It’s a little weird being some place where restaurants and shops and people are going about their business without garbage in front, landlines muted, understaffed, understocked, and plain out shock and weariness prevailing. A long run yesterday by myself put me in the right mood but made me think about too many things that make me sad these days. I don’t cry about Katrina because in the end there were silver linings that I still think are yet to come totally to fruition. I cry every day over my 14 year marriage unwinding with no resolution – I think of the promise it began with and how we grew up together and then grew apart and instead of having any sort of contentment that it is what it is, I am saddened by the loss of it.
Then when I have these intense moments of happiness I feel a sense of guilt trailing the gladness as if its unfair to be happy right now given all the circumstances.
There is a skittishness that is under my skin which alternately makes me want to crawl into a ball or run like the wind.
Somebody last night said 10 years to rebuild New Orleans – I said 5 – we need the levys to be fixed before anyone is going to want to come back and rebuild. N said there are 70K people in town, I thought it was 100K. I dismiss all of this as speculative chatter since to finish LaLa takes hope and faith that it would remain safe in the face of another Katrina.
I tried to fix up my colleague T with S yesterday – he’s been intrigued by her photos for a long time – and while she said she is flattered, it is too soon after separating and she doesn’t want that hanging over anything so she declined politely. L said I have to try not to take care of S or anyone else for that matter.