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I left the house to go meet a friend, she said I’m at the intersection of Abundance and Paris. That’s where I found myself thinking about the abundance vibrations that should be emanating from my soul. I love money and money loves me and I know what to do with money – I buy ingredients to make delicious food, it pays for my wonderful house, I love to share it with people, and money helps me travel and I am now in full on attraction mode.

I had gone to the Botannica on Saturday and bought a candle for money. The guy said do you want it fast and I said fast, yes fast! And so he gave me a money fast candle and I walked out to my truck and when I went to open the door I found a crisp dollar bill on the ground.

I just shook my head – FAST yes, AND PLENTIFUL!

I didn’t go back in and buy a PLENTY OF MONEY candle – instead I just wrote PLENTY on this one!

Plagued by a bout of insomnia, I slept ten hours last night – good hard sleep, the kind where your dreams take you to imaginative places. Last night, I had bought a house and it had three kitchens, but that was only one part of the dream that meandered into many dreams. I woke, groggy from the drug we call REM, and made a cup of coffee with the French Truck decaf hand-delivered to my house yesterday – it was delicious.

I then put on my pants with the Buddha prayer on them and walked to the Zen Center for morning meditation. I passed a double shotgun house where a family was sitting on the porch animatedly speaking in Spanish. As I passed, I said, “Buenas,” and the older man said to the very young boy, “MIRA, MIRA, si tu ….Mira!” I could not hear what he said to him – “Look, look, if you … you will look like her.” I turned and said, “MIRA!” in a very direct way. He roared with laughter but I was not laughing.

Then I passed a man standing in his front yard who was looking at me intently as I came into his line of vision. I said hello, he said hello, he then said, “Beautiful” and I said, “It’s a beautiful day.” And he said, “I would make love to you.” I just rolled my eyes and thought: get in line, buddy.

The center was packed but I was able to squeeze in and it was just what I needed. In our dharma talk speaking about Buddhism after meditation, I learned the center has changed its plan to move Uptown to stay here in MidCity. Yay! Originally, when I found the center I could not believe my luck – here I was in crisis and in need of meditation and the center was walking distance from my house (the LaLa) and then I moved and it was still walking distance. Only still in the throes of my good fortune, I went to meditate one day and learned that they were planning to move the center Uptown and I felt betrayed. And then, I remember feeling like, well, of course they’re moving, good things don’t last forever.

A friend sent me a note this morning – the one I’m doing the Prosperity Affirmation with for thirty days – it was a quote by Abraham Hicks about how there is no injustice in the world, we attract what is in our vibration. Our own vibration. So what is it in me that:

1) dreams of a larger house with multiple kitchens, with the idea floating around that I could rent out some for extra income?
2) attracts a Hispanic man to use me as the brunt of his joke instead of admire my beautiful bold baldness?
3) attracts a stranger I have no interest in to say he would make love to me?
4) has the good fortune of learning the zen center will stay instead of move away?
5) attracts this dearth of money rather than the abundance I’ve been affirming?

The vibe inside of me is a work in progress – I possess a naturally good vibe, loving and happy, optimistic, but I have to work around the shadows to let my light shine. I have to remember that what I’m receiving, I’m projecting – if I had to answer the law of attraction off the top of my head for any one of these numbered items, it would be that I: 1) am not satisfied with my house, 2) doubt bald is beautiful, 3) lose sight I’m the prize, 4) fear that good things don’t last, and 5) believe money causes suffering or makes me less real.

I’m fine-tuning my vibrations as I write – hope you are too. More will be revealed.

Translation of Chinese Buddhist Prayer: Good Fortune, Ample Salary, Longevity and Happy Life

On Wednesday, after a presentation at school on the perils of letting children have gadgets and media and then a coincidentally marketing meeting afterwards, I left thinking I’m going to stop by and see my old friend, Vanessa, who is playing down the street from my house. And so that is why at 9pm, when I’m usually crawling in bed, I stopped into DMACs and listened to Gal Holiday & The Honky Tonk Revue. There, I ran into one of my dancing partners and we were able to get in a few dances before the last set was over.

Thursday, I had two $5 tickets to a show that I was not quite sure was starring Esperanza Spalding and turned out to be THE show of the season with a warm-up of Helen Gillet playing her French songs on an upright bass and then the entrance of the most dynamic jazz band I have heard in a long while – the Christian Scott Quintet – FABULOUS – including his lovely wife, who came out and sang Summertime (something that is on the mind of all New Orleanians in the wake of so much cold) and then next up was the Spring Quartet with none other than Esperanza Spalding and this incredible drummer – whoa – Jack DeJohnette – who was fabulous.

So last night, I could have rested from all this activity, but instead I chose to go out with friends and we went club hopping – stopping first at Club Caribbean for a tribute to Bob Marley, next to Buffa’s for the Honey Pots, and then ending at Chickie Wah Wah for a little more Gal Holiday and some more dancing – I had two dance partners – both great.

And so my friends, I think when your mind is clouded by things that are outside of your control and you are looking for all the ways to be grateful sometimes going out and listening to music and moving your body helps ground you in the now and helps you remember why it is you are on this planet – to dance while the music is playing.

This morning while I was at Zumba and smiling ear to ear, I thought of all the reasons I’m a lucky gal.

You know how I’ve been talking about not letting the thoughts in your head define you – well, what about the screaming crazy woman? Yes, that crazy showed up yesterday after a phone conversation and she yelled at the top of her lungs – I WILL NOT GIVE UP – and she said it with such force and such determination that I whispered “whoa” – and so while we may want to let our thoughts all go by the wayside – what the screaming crazy woman says warrants our attention.

I’ve come to a clear conclusion after spending nearly 17 years building SOMEONE ELSE’s COMPANY – never work for anyone in your life – that is my last word on the subject – other people have no interest in making YOU money much less making YOU happy.

My friend in California said today that no one decides how much she will get paid, she decides. I like her philosophy and here on adopted it as my own.

I like what this guy says in this TED talk – small things matter – how you spend your life, what you do for work, and who you answer to is key to life’s success. So my dears, despite what anyone tells you – RUN, do not walk, towards your dreams and push away those on the sidelines that are not there to help you on your journey.

My friend posted her Wordless Wednesday filled with beautiful images of vegetables. She makes cooking seem so heartwarmingly wonderful that I envy her ease in living her dream. Her cookbook is soon to be landing at my front door and I cannot wait to try all of the naturally gluten free wonder in it.

But today is a day of a different sort – it’s a day to get creative – because I woke again at the wee hours of the morning – too wee for me – the 3AM variety – where I am trying to slay the beast that is hovering near by. I meditated. I drank my decaf. I read. I began work at 7AM – exhausted.

So in lieu of Wordless Wednesday – I offer up a gift of words to buffer the demons – as I unleash these words I imagine them to be vicious hounds to hunt down the beasts and tear them to pieces – dollar sign by dollar sign:

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With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose.

— Wayne W. Dyer

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FAKE IT, UNTIL YOU MAKE IT

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I can remember a turning point with the voices in my head. It was around 2011, after reading The Power of Now, and having spent one of the worst summers of my life. It was right before my boss had called to say they were laying me off at the end of that year, but I had felt that career path coming to an end for a long time.

The summer had been spent in a constant state of agitation – the house needed, the bills needed, the animals needed, everything and everyone needed something from me and I was running very low on resources. The thought of ending it all was pervasive and I daydreamed about walking into the bayou with stones in my pockets. I would sit on my sofa in a half catatonic state and wonder how I would get through the day.

That’s when another voice entered my head – a kinder and gentler voice, which made me realize there was a constant voice in my head that had a very ugly slant on the world. The one that said when you looked in the mirror – you look horrible, you’re fat, you’re getting old, you’re wrinkled, you’re hair looks like hell, those clothes look ghastly on you. It was that voice that this new voice started responding to – “Stop it!” “That’s not nice.” “Shut up!”

And after a while this new voice started showing up more – it was my new friend – my avatar – who would yell and curse the other voice. Back and forth this Battle Royale played out in my thoughts. And sometimes I was so amused by this new voice, I would actually laugh out loud.

As I got to know the new voice, I got to really know the old voice and was sort of shocked by how long that old nagging and negative voice had been haunting my thoughts. And I would let the two go at it for minutes or hours or even days on end. And after a while the nicer, kinder, gentler voice – the friend in my head – started gaining more strength.

But it wasn’t until I learned how to silence both of these voices that I found peace. I had a handful of events in my life where I had remembered utter joy and I was trying to find out how to replicate them. It wasn’t until I read The Power of Now that I realized those joyful moments had occurred because I had been utterly present.

The negative voice lives inside all of us – it isn’t because my childhood was any more unhappy than any other person, or that I have less self confidence or more problems than others. It is the negative voice that accumulates over time and gets rusty and creaky and really annoying for most of us. The friendly voice is more prominent in some people than others, but it isn’t necessarily the panacea to the negative one because honestly I was exhausted listening to the two of them, day in and day out.

True peace comes from banishing all of these voices and thoughts and just being. Pushing aside regrets from the past, not indulging fears of the future, but being totally present in this moment in your life. That is joy – nirvana – peace.

I’m inclined to say that spending your money or time trying to figure out why you have a negative voice(s) is worthless. Even if you invite in a friendly voice, you still won’t find peace. Don’t worry about where these thoughts come from or what they mean – they don’t mean anything – you are simply giving them a stage and an audience in your mind. They are thoughts – as worthless as the vapor they rode in on.

It is learning to silence all thought and learning to be present that has brought me the most joy and peace.

A friend taught me a Qigong movement, which beautifully places your energy in the now while releasing negative vibes. Another friend who has been receiving the Prosperity Affirmation with me every morning has been having serious financial difficulty and she confessed today she’s worried about losing her house – she’s going to be 68 years old this coming Monday.

I have been turning down the knob of the voice in my head that wants to hit the panic button, and I must confess myself – getting through January has been like going through the hall of whirring blades – read: a lot of blood in the catchall troughs.

So here’s the itemized list of what I have held in abeyance – keep in mind that my mantra for January was to not live on my credit card anymore and that hasn’t happened:

1) a client cancelled on me because her budget had been cut
2) property tax bill rolled in on the 3rd – due before the 31st.
3) ADP sent me a note that there was some IRS issue and so they debited my account for $397.
4) New Orleans witnessed the coldest winter possibly on record – my energy bill doubled two months in a row.
5) camera ticket = $110.
6) Tin’s current school raised the amount they need by almost double to hold his spot – it is nonrefundable.
7) I got a flat tire in Baton Rouge traveling to Tin’s friend’s birthday party.

I have remained in the moment, being grateful for food on our table, the bare minimum heat we could scrape up during the cold snaps, and thankful for our health and happiness in general.

I’ve also tried to see how my thoughts manifest this state of lack – debt – fear. I acknowledge I am attached to my house and to financial security. I am attached to money coming in and not having to worry about paying my bills. I am attached to getting my ducks in the row. I do fear losing my financial security. I do fear being in debt, having no money, having no options. I do fear the wrecking ball coming in and whacking my ducks out of alignment.

And so I’m centered in my happiness. I know those seven items would have taken me down a couple of years ago, but now all seven are not making a dent in my peace of mind. That’s not to say they are not real boogeymen and that they are not annoying. It’s to say that in concentrating on where my bounty lies I have gained what I had not asked for:

1) a gift of a mani pedi gift certificate
2) news that a dear friend is coming for Jazz Fest then free tickets to Jazz Fest
3) it appears Tin will get in the new school (digits still crossed)
4) my real estate agent has taken over the negotiation to get my heater situation fixed or squared
5) a man changed my flat tire for free
6) my gratitude jar is almost stuffed full and it’s only January
7) a friend taught me a qigong movement that frees your energy and opens your path

My cup runneth over even while the sharks circle for the blood letting – I thank my lucky stars that I’ve always looked good in red.

I’ve spent a lifetime coming here – here being the place where I’m learning to separate my thoughts from myself and choose happiness over suffering. It’s taken time, it’s taken hard knocks, it’s taken learning. And none of these things will get me to graduation day because now that I know, I have to keep knowing minute by minute and day by day.

Today when ADP issued two payrolls thereby wrecking havoc across two different bank accounts as well as my property tax check that I’m putting in the mail today, I just told the woman, nothing you are doing is helping me so just go on and do what you need to do. She was reciting policies about how they had voided the first one but then it went through anyway and it would take five days to reroute and then I would have to send in a statement for the NSF that this would create with the other bank account and they would reimburse when they received it. I was like wow – and this is helping me today how? So I left her to it and I called my bank and told them what was going on and now I’m back in the saddle. See there are always circumstances vying for your happiness. But if you choose happy, they come and they go.

Like most things in life.

A friend who is in the midst of splitting with her partner is seeking clarity – she is reading The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer and I picked up a copy and am almost done with it. Singer’s premise is that we can separate ourselves from our thoughts and come to peace knowing we are born and then we die and that’s really all there is to it. Everything else is a mental construct that we have built and caged ourselves in and is truly what makes most people miserable.

Even my trying to understand why I spent so many years with people who were more about being rational than emotional beings is me trying to reconstruct or reframe or understand the cage wire by wire instead of just letting it go. Just saying, that was then, this is now, and moving on.

And so this is how I came to find peace, happiness and contentment in my new life – by divorcing my thoughts from my self. My replacing the negative energy that caused me so much suffering with positive and loving light. Everyone comes to their own enlightenment in different ways – I would not encourage anyone to follow my path, but I would gladly tell them where I am is worth traveling to.

We have been in the 30s dipping a point below and a point above in some fluctuating stream of ridiculous cold that none of us are prepared to deal with – none of us. I don’t care if you are one of those Yankee types who LOVE the cold and HATE the heat – if you live in New Orleans this is a crisis. My house temperature has hovered at 56 degrees for two days running. That’s after spending $500 to make sure the brand new heater was working correctly.

Instead I have arctic jet streams shooting up through the floorboards and windows that feel like the freezer door is open. My electricity bill for last month was double its norm.

A friend said he likes cold but the truth is we live in the equivalent of grass huts here and that’s definitely what it feels like but more importantly here is what is interesting about this entire fiasco – my mind does not work in the cold. I can’t clean my house, I can’t write, I can’t work, and I certainly find it hard to be loving and kind.

John Battelle recently wrote his Media predictions for this year and number one was:

1. 2014 is the year climate change goes from a political debate to a global force for unification and immediate action. It will be seen as the year the Internet adopted the planet as its cause.

If this winter is any indication of global warming, we all better start thinking about it. We can endure floods, hurricanes, and hell on earth heat, but cold, no we can’t do cold. We would need to be in houses built out of brick and cinder block but then they would not withstand floods and squalls and humid heat – so we would all have to move somewhere else and there is – really – no where else to go.

I tried to get to the grocery in Metairie today and the I-10 was blocked off with patrol cars – bridges are closed – we are shut in and shut down.

So my musings after being confined to my house for two days with an almost five year old who has been bouncing off the very cold paper thin walls is that I know why bears hibernate – I know why people just tune out and stay in and don’t venture out in the winter – I know now that this is no way to live.

Cold is for polar bears and penguins but not for real people.

The other day, Tin said to me, “You’re gay,” and I said, “Actually I’m bisexual.”

He said, “You’re gay, Mommy,” and I said, “You know it’s not nice to say that because it’s none of your business what anyone’s sexuality is.” I reminded him his friend’s parents are gay and how would they feel if they heard him saying something that might hurt their feelings.

I’m not sure where he heard “you’re gay” or even to say it in that tone, but I can bet at school and it’s interesting that someone said it to him, a boy with two mothers, and he doesn’t even know what gay means. But I’m sure the way it was intended was not as a statement but rather as a slight.

Today, an organization ran an ad in the New York Times that was on point. We both read it to him, even though, he doesn’t really get what gay actually means now, but he will one day and he will recognize that telling someone they’re gay in that tone is heterosexism at its dumbest.