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Last night we began 2011 on the right foot, we had a dinner party at a friend’s house and were surrounded by interesting conversation, delicious wines, and fabulous food. Suddenly I feel as if I can face this year boldly – Happy 12th Night, New Year! And Happy Epiphany and beginning of Mardi Gras, New Orleans! Driving home from our little soiree I realized the important things in life are that life has a way of giving you what you want.

In conversation earlier, I was speaking to a friend who had had a miscarriage early and never got pregnant again and she so very much wants to have a child. I told her that I had read something interesting recently where a woman had wanted children and everyone around her was getting pregnant left and right and a very thoughtful friend had the decency to send her a note in the mail that she was pregnant and knew that it might be painful to her friend and so she had sent the note ahead to give her friend time to process it. Ah, how kind. Kindness is all women want when they want a child and cannot have one. I remember a time like that for me, well a few times, but one in particular where the person (not the pregnant one) delivered the news so insensitively that I walked outside and stood by the pool and wanted to just jump in and drown myself. Kindness. I told my friend that I felt very blessed to have never been able to conceive a child because had I had one or adopted in my marriage, I would have never had Tin and I cannot imagine not being Tin’s mother. So life had a way of delivering me to my destiny, albeit a twisty turny one at that.

Earlier in the day I had spoken to the father of a client of mine who had committed suicide. We met by phone after this horrible incident. I think of his son often, a beautiful man. It has been years and we always touch base at the end of the year because his family set up a fund to offer a scholarship to an inner city child that I donate money to. I asked him how he is doing and he said he still cannot face the holidays. And he is still sad. He said he was sitting at a table near a woman who was familiar with what had happened and she said are you going to the holiday party and he said no, it makes me think of my son and I can’t go. And she turned to him and snapped, “Get over it.” He said, “I can’t.” And then he left the dinner, and became angry. He can’t get over his beautiful son taking his own life. How could he?

We gathered around the table last night and I was happy to see my friend laughing despite having spent the holidays sad and blue because her lover left her after years of a promise of family and a future. I wish her all the beauty and love she deserves in this New Year.

Our menu last night – Italian breads from Maple Street and olive oil from 300 year old trees, garlicky plump delicious Louisiana Gulf shrimp, a zucchini ribbon salad with the tenderest pale and dark green strips, risotto with white truffles from Istra (Croatia) and wild mushrooms from the Ferry Building forager in San Francisco, Croatian Plavic Mali wines, a beef tenderloin cooked to perfection, a sauce made from Moises (pronounced noise with an M) Dundee Hills Pinot Noir, now renamed Moises Sauce, Moises Pinot Noir and Pinot Gris, a pistachio cake and last but not least, espresso and pistachio gelato from Sucré.

Beef Tenderloin with Moises Sauce

Ingredients

4 T butter
1 T flour
1 cup finely chopped onion
1 cup finely chopped carrot
1 cup finely chopped celery
2 T tomato paste
1 1/4 cup Moises Dundee Hills Pinot Noir
1 1/4 cup chicken broth
1 1/4 cup beef broth
1 3.5 lb beef tenderloin
2 T cracked black pepper

Directions

Mix 2 T butter and flour in small bowl. Melt 1 T butter in heavy large skillet over low heat. Add onion, carrot and celery, sauté until vegetables are tender, about 10 minutes.

Add tomato paste; stir until vegetables are coated.

Add wine; boil until liquid is reduced by half, about 3 minutes.

Add both broths, boil until liquid is reduced to 1 1/4 cups, about 5 minutes.

Strain liquid, discarding solids. Return liquid to skillet.

Add butter/flour mixture to sauce, whisk over medium heat until sauce thickens, about 1 minute. Season to taste with pepper. (Sauce can be prepared 1 day ahead.)

Take meat out of fridge, one hour before cooking. Sprinkle beef with cracked pepper and salt.

Preheat oven to 400°F.

Put a small bit of vegetable oil in heavy large skillet over high heat. Add beef and brown each side 4 minutes on top of stove.

Roast about 15-20 minutes (or until meat thermometer says 160 if thick – if thinner maybe less 140). Remove from oven and let rest 10 minutes. Serves 4-6.

Enjoy!

Mommy: May I help you?

Tin: Music.

Mommy: What do you want to hear?

Tin: Louis Armstrong.

Mommy: St. Louis Blues?

Tin: Yesh.

“Anthem”

The birds they sang
at the break of day
Start again
I heard them say
Don’t dwell on what
has passed away
or what is yet to be.
Ah the wars they will
be fought again
The holy dove
She will be caught again
bought and sold
and bought again
the dove is never free.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.

We asked for signs
the signs were sent:
the birth betrayed
the marriage spent
Yeah the widowhood
of every government —
signs for all to see.

I can’t run no more
with that lawless crowd
while the killers in high places
say their prayers out loud.
But they’ve summoned, they’ve summoned up
a thundercloud
and they’re going to hear from me.

Ring the bells that still can ring …
You can add up the parts
but you won’t have the sum
You can strike up the march,
there is no drum
Every heart, every heart
to love will come
but like a refugee.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.

That’s how the light gets in.

That’s how the light gets in.

Leonard Cohen

It’s raining in New Orleans and has been since the middle of the night. The bayou looks like the Muddy Mississippi. The dogs are panting by the door. Tin is off to the Monkey Room with his nanny. There is no rain like rain in New Orleans.

Randy Newman’s Louisiana 1927

What has happened down here is the wind have changed
Clouds roll in from the north and it started to rain
Rained real hard and rained for a real long time
Six feet of water in the streets of Evangeline

The river rose all day
The river rose all night
Some people got lost in the flood
Some people got away alright
The river have busted through cleard down to Plaquemines
Six feet of water in the streets of Evangelne

CHORUS
Louisiana, Louisiana
They’re tyrin’ to wash us away
They’re tryin’ to wash us away
Louisiana, Louisiana
They’re tryin’ to wash us away
They’re tryin’ to wash us away

President Coolidge came down in a railroad train
With a little fat man with a note-pad in his hand
The President say, “Little fat man isn’t it a shame what the river has
done
To this poor crackers land.”

I remember a guy I worked with who described a friend as being “too emotional” – can one be too emotional? When I was married to Steve, a coworker described us as being “too generous” – a criticism that still makes me chuckle. My father was a generous person – what he had, we had, what we had, our friends had, and on and on. I’ve never known another way. You’re making food, you always have enough for anyone who drops by. You have a dollar in your pocket, your friend has 50 cents. My money is my partner’s money. What we have is our child’s money.

A friend was telling me yesterday that she has a friend who always keeps track of who paid what and where. My friend said it made her feel that the relationship was short-lived, because over a longer period of time, an imbalance would always be righted. Isn’t that so. I had a friend who was in need when I met her, I gave her a lot of my time and emotional support. Years later in the midst of a horrendous crisis, she gave back three-fold (interest). The imbalance found its level ground.

I often marvel at my abundance, and my way of saying thanks to the universe is giving back – a little here and there where I can – to say thanks for everything from friendship to a stranger’s kindness. It adds up.

My horoscope today:

January 05, 2011

1. Taurus (4/20-5/20)

   Far too many people think the only thing you need to pay attention to is the bottom line. As you know, there are more factors involved in creating a happy life than profit. Today it’s your heart that should motivate your choices and actions, not your wallet. Whether you add an extra dollar to your waitress’s tip or write a big check for your favorite charity, give a little bit more than you usually do. Generosity is a way of thanking the universe for what you have.

I was speaking with a friend yesterday who said that the loss of a good friend had a numbing affect on the heart. I told her I keep reading how loss, pain, suffering helps us grow, but I’m on the fence whether to subscribe to cyncism or faith on this subject. I have often quoted Jane Hirshfield’s Proud Flesh – the horse’s scar that can’t be wounded again.

We are all marching forward building up our scars – if we have lived fully then many scars – and while we grow wiser, tougher, we also become number, anesthetized against future pain or anxious about the possibility of losing again (read: fearful, rigid).

If we have had success in the past, in love, in work, in our talents – we hunger for more of the same.

My Yogi teabag had a message for me the other night, it said, “True wealth is the ability to let go of your possessions.” I concur. But I’m afraid.

I want a life prescribed by me instead of just the dull sheep march – have a job, make money, own property, grow concerned you will lose job, money, property, live life of stress, one day it doesn’t matter, then you die.

This matters more now as I am chalking up the dead bodies in my life like a list – not a party list, or a Holiday list, but the people I know who are dead list – which grows. Sadly.

In reading a NYT review of Gail Godwin’s journals, the reviewer, Susann Coral says, “Writing is, among other things, a gesture of faith in the value of the apparently trivial details, and details can be transformed into art.” Interestingly enough, I saw a bumpersticker yesterday that said “Faith: Not wanting to know what is true” (Nietzsche). Translated by me to read you have to have faith that what you are writing is truth, but it is your truth and not balanced by the thousands of differing opinions which hold your truth in question – aha, the blog. Rachel’s World. LaLa land. However, there is a comment section 🙂

Here’s my world, in speaking with a friend yesterday, when asked why I am friends with another person, I said we share a commonality in our sphere of work. We both have drive and have used if not exhausted that energy in the working sphere. *Getting and spending we lay waste our powers (Wordsworth).*

I woke early to get to meditation because I knew that I couldn’t go tomorrow night – I was three minutes late and the door was locked. Agitation instead of Meditation. But I let it go.

I wanted to go to yoga during lunch but instead had a phone call I had to do so I missed moving my body. I let it go.

Early evening I realized that I had an appointment across town from where I was and instead of panicking – I just called and said I’m late. I let it flow.

I’m practicing my nonattachment, albeit, each baby step is challenging……….to say the least.

A friend called to tell me she is reading a book on how to be happy – she said this guy has written about the Blue Zones – places where people live long lives – the places are, drumroll please, Singapore (are you kidding me?), Denmark (good design, but again, are you kidding me?) and Costa Rica – I’ll take Costa Rica for five. Meanwhile, Stanford has a site where they have listed the ten mistakes people make in trying to change behavior and I must admit, they are not kidding.

Top #1 Mistake – Relying on willpower for long-term change – imagine willpower doesn’t exist – that is step 1 to a better future.

Top #2 Mistake – Attempting big leaps instead of baby steps – seek tiny successes one after another (and I suggest you acknowledge each minor victory)

Top #3 Mistake – Ignoring how environment shapes behaviors – change your context and you change your life (if that ain’t the truth, then I’m a monkey’s uncle)

Top #4 Mistake – Trying to stop old behaviors instead of creating new ones – focus on action, not avoidance

Top #5 Mistake – Blaming failures on lack of motivation – solution: make the behavior easier to do

Top #6 Mistake – Underestimating the power of triggers – no behavior happens without a trigger

Top #7 Mistake – Believing that information leads to action – we humans aren’t so rational

Top #8 Mistake – Focusing on abstract goals more than concrete behaviors – abstract: get in shape, concrete: walk 15 mins a day

Top #9 Mistake – Seeking to change a behavior forever, not for a short time. A fixed period works better than forever.

Top #10 Mistake – Assuming that behavior change is difficult – behavior change is not so hard when you have the right process.

Today I heard that a friend’s mother’s life long friend died, but this was only after hearing that a much beloved relative of mine is getting divorced after over four decades of marriage – what goes on? Meanwhile, another friend who had out of towners visiting over the holiday weekend said they went to the French Quarter for New Year’s Eve and had a bad experience because everyone was fighting – every single couple they came in contact with was in the midst of a major spat.

Something’s going on, this friend said. And I said, “What?”

Right now I feel like all this bad news is just SPAMMING my brain inbox. So when another friend called and I was trying to explain how much bad data was coming in, she said well I guess you don’t want to know I’m on my way home from a funeral right now.

Good grief.