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I became obsessed with a notion the other day that someone who has troubled me was trouble and I started painting the world around this person in black and white tones. Trouble, I kept saying to myself, trouble and I then built hypotheses around that notion, and I turned them over and over in my mind. Trouble, I kept coming back to, not letting go of, and trying to find an answer that was yes or no to support my conclusion. I finally gave up the other day and just said, so what?, what if this person is trouble?, what is the worst of it? My role is to just be myself and let what happens happen.

My horoscope today was perfect – as usual:

June 02, 2010

1. Taurus (4/20-5/20)

   Sometimes major struggles end when one side simply walks away and finds something better to do. Figure out what it is exactly that you are tussling over — and whether it’s really worth it to you. Are you engaged in this contest simply because you’re caught up in it all and can’t let it go? Your stubbornness comes in handy sometimes, but this is a good time to put it aside.

A friend needed to bend my ear last night as she is reaching a critical juncture in motherhood, partnerhood, and selfhood and she cannot figure out her next step. I went out late to meet and talk, when usually I’m bound for bed and I’m glad I did, because oddly enough it could have been my younger self talking to me. The younger self stubbornly clinging to an ideal when reality is dealing you another card.

I kept thinking all along that age gives you distance from ideals and grounds you in a reality that is way more healthy. Don’t get me wrong, I love ideals, I love youthful energy, and I love to believe that a world exists that you could build oh so perfectly that nothing can harm or change it, not even today or the future – but frankly it doesn’t exist, like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. They’re good for a time, but then poof they’re gone.

My friend made the comment that she (“how do you say without it sounding negative?”) admired what she saw as my “detachment”, as a parent and I said, it doesn’t exist. I’m not detached, but I do believe Tin needed to learn to sleep by himself, work out his frustrations sometimes by himself, and more than anything I understand my role is to encourage him to grow independent of me. That I know from age, not from detachment, because I know the consequences of my actions as a parent today are about guidance and support, not about creating and forming.

We dedicated our yoga practice to all the creatures of the sea and wetlands today in the hopes that the world begins to listen to what they have to say about their environment being pillaged for our wasteful and wanton benefit. The most anyone might be able to utter is sorry birds, sorry fish, sorry creatures = the best news we have heard in the Gulf South today is that the federal government has begun a criminal investigation into BP’s actions.

Today is June 1st – Hurricane Season opens today – some people think all we need is a big hurricane to blow this stuff away – yeah right, if only life were so simple.

I started my new running program this morning. On Tues and Thurs, I’ll run and T will take the dogs to the dog park for their running. On my run I ran into a lot of neighborhood folks but one was a surprise. A guy I had met pre-Katrina had decided to leave New Orleans after the storm amidst a lot of soul searching. He had thrown open the doors to the possibility of teaching somewhere else and raising his family in a place that wasn’t bruised and battered and a knock came back, an offer he said he couldn’t refuse. But here today, in the midst of yet another catastrophe – the BP oil spill – he had returned, lock stock and barrel to New Orleans. “You’re back!” I shouted as I rounded the bayou. “Couldn’t stay away,” he replied. He and his wife had secured good positions here in our fair city.

A friend of mine was an executive recruiter and for years she said people would come to her after having relocated, begging for any job so they could come back to New Orleans. She said she always gave people three years maximum before they would return. I was away 16 years – imagine my desperation in wanting to return.

There is a city in Spain called Mojácar where supposedly a witch lives near the entrance and upon entering for the first time she decides whether or not she will cast a spell on you, forever entangling your life with that village. My second husband’s family had a summer home there, with expansive white patios that terraced down a hill, and I spent a good deal of time in Mojácar in the summer of 1990 (btw: I don’t think I was bewitched).

But I do think that places have a way of getting under your skin and making it impossible to be at home anywhere else. New Orleans is that kind of place. Its denizens stay against all odds and for all the reasons in the world, it’s in our blood.

June 01, 2010

1. Taurus (4/20-5/20)

   You’re hard-working and diligent — some would say stubborn — but there’s much more to life than simply making sure you take care of your responsibilities. Try another kind of responsibility, like the dues you owe your family and friends? Remember that the people who complain because they haven’t seen you in so long? Give yourself (and everyone) a break. Take some time for yourself.