Went to see this movie tonight and it was funny. The best part is that the fun started even before I went into the theater with the young guys going up to the counter and asking for tickets to “I love you, man.” Very cute.
I’m one of the luckiest women in the world. I truly believe that and I’m grateful for all the joy I have in my life and the countless blessings that come my way. I was speaking to a friend who works with disabled kids who have anything from autism to blindness and so on. She said when Santa came around this past holiday season and was making a list of what the kids want for Christmas, the blind boy asked for “eyes.”
When we are filling out these ridiculous adoption applications they give you a list of what you will accept as a defect in a child. I feel like a complete asshole because I had said no to blind. What’s wrong with me? Missing digits okay, blind not okay.
Sometimes I make myself sick in what I don’t know or understand.
The vet threw cotton balls directly at Arlene and she didn’t even flinch. She’s blind. A friend said her vet told her that as long as a dog can smell they have quality of life. I inched her pill towards last night while she was sleeping – it was in a smelly pill pocket – she woke and gobbled it. Ah, quality of life.
Wolfie, who a friend referred to as a pero pero, sits by Tatjana’s office door dutifully every day, waiting for her to come home. I had her come up to the office with me, slighting my usual mascot (Loca), but she stayed only for a while and then wanted to go wait by her mistress’s door.
Dogs form a connection with one person in particular and although Loca knows Tatjana will walk her, and Wolfie knows I will feed her, in the end Loca pines for me and Wolfie pines for T.
Bam Bam pines for no one.
While I was in New York, I had the most outstanding sushi – twice from Blue Ribbon across from the Time Warner Building and once at Omido on Broadway. Made me long for good sushi. Hard to come by in New Orleans.
Sunday, I passed a new Wasabi right across from Russell’s Marina Grill by Robert E Lee. It looked like it was open already although I didn’t see anyone coming or going. Need to check it out.
Truly what I miss more than anything is sitting at the Bank and having oysters and champagne at the bar.
I bought this album from Rachael Yamagata off iTunes – it really is unabashedly tragic and perfect.
If the elephants have past lives yet are destined to always remember
It’s no wonder how they scream
Like you and I they must have some temper
And I am dreaming of them on the plains
Dirtying up their beds
Watching for some sign of rain to cool their hot heads
And how dare you send me that card when I am doing all that I can do
You are forcing me to remember when all I want is to just forget you
If the tiger shall protect her young then tell me how did you slip by
All my instincts have failed me for once
I must have somehow slept the whole night
And I am dreaming of them with their kill
Tearing it all apart
Blood dripping from their lips and teeth sinking into heart
And how dare that you say you’ll call
When you know I need some peace of mind
If you have to take sides with the animals
Won’t you do it with one who is kind
And if the hawks in the trees need the dead
If you’re living you don’t stand a chance
For a time though you share the same bed
There are only two ends to this dance
You can flee with your wounds just in time or lie there as he feeds
Watching yourself ripped to shreds and laughing as you bleed
So for those of you falling in love keep it kind
Keep it good
Keep it right
Throw yourself in the midst of danger but keep one eye open at night
We smudged the house last week before we left on our respective trips, hoping to rid ourselves of the gris gris of past baby failures and missteps in other areas. Then we had to resmudge today – the loss of Ele hangs in the balance, the past wrestles with our todays, the future is really quite bright given it’s precarious foundation. So we smudge to set our demons free and rejoice in what is good.
A friend called this morning to say a neighbor is not doing well, the same one who approached me the other day – we think she has sort of lost her mind and is looking to hurt or be hurt. Amid chaos, even across oceans, while we take comfort in each other, this poor soul wanders the bayou looking for more pain.
“I hurt myself today,” sings Johnny Cash.
I haven’t slept over six hours a night in five days – it takes it toll on my psyche, is how I reconciled the tears while walking Loca this morning.
I tipped the scales this morning – 12 pounds heavier than I have been in over a decade – I’m trying to find a center to perform life while emotionally wrestling with an ailing mother, a dying blind dog, the closing and reopening of space for a child, my lover out of the country while planes are crashing and kids are dying and a shadowy figure looms like an African elephant in my room – and I’m twelve pounds heavier with the weight of all thought.
Deep breath.
Dwell in possibilities.
I was reading Oprah this morning over tea before walking Loca. There was an article about straight women turning gay and most of them have kids in some configuration. I was looking at the ad in the front of the magazine that had a little black boy all dressed up in Ralph Lauren or something and I felt like the caption should have read The Next President.
I had warm fuzzy feelings about us having a child and I left with Loca still warm from those feelings. We ran into my neighbor, who came off her porch and said “Rachel, I heard about the adoption, I’m so sorry.” And I burst into tears. I told her it wasn’t the mother’s fault – she had her demons to deal with herself and I’m not angry at her. Then she proceeded to tell me her stories – the sister who had her Guatemalan baby in hand and lost her to the process because the mother changed her mind but then later, luckily, she was successful. And about her own desires to parent that were not fulfilled.
I told her a colleague of mine told me a few years back when she was turning 50 that her single biggest regret was not adopting after she couldn’t get pregnant herself. I’ll never forget that and it actually propelled me into the next phase of my life even though here I am near 50 myself.
I told my neighbor, who is slightly older than me, about the woman I had met who was adopted as an infant by a woman who was 72 years old. That is the story that most fills me with hope.
Girls talk a lot. I’ve learned this simple fact being involved with a woman. A guy asked me how I was taking to being with a woman and I said, it’s the talking that really threw me. Nonstop. Da da da da da da da da da. I think I must have driven every taciturn man I was with out of their freaking mind with my constant yakety yak.
But suddenly, without the voice right here with me, I remember words more readily, even actions are easier to recall, and it’s clearer to see love when it is dwelled upon and the love baby talk that my friend was telling us about last night is not monopolizing your thoughts and anesthetizing your emotions and the intensity that comes at you like a freight train breaks like a pop and suddenly you see the landscape of your love in technicolor and at a loss for words, you go: WOW!
I rode my bike out to the lakefront this morning and when I got to the lake it was so incredibly beautiful that it took my breath away. A big sail was white and majestic against the blue water. It made me so happy to be out on my bike that I kept a smile on my face despite the headwind that threatened to topple me.
I met the girls at the Mexican joint for a Corona and a chorizo and egg burrito – YUM YUM YUM!!! We sat outside and just grooved on the weather talking about exes and life in general. One thing I thought about later while riding home was a theme from our conversation – about how true growth comes from accepting the flaws in other people. The truth is that it is accepting the flaws in ourselves that really opens the door to enlightenment.
For a long time, I knew the rest of the world was flawed, but I didn’t think I was. When I realized I was not only capable of error but also had the capacity for HUGE fuck ups, then I really became more human.