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My horoscope today said:

March 07, 2009
Taurus (4/20-5/20)
You’ve finished a long journey recently, but the view you expected to have on climbing this mountain isn’t quite as impressive as you hoped it would be. Okay, on the one hand this is a big disappointment. But on the other hand, this could be seen as a nice surprise. Life never brings you what you expect — it usually brings you more. Remember that experience is what you get when you don’t get what you wanted. Keep trying — just one more time! You are always a work in progress.

I guess fitting – but which journey is it? Is it the journey where I drew on faith to believe the baby I want will fall into my heavy open arms and now this might not after all be the baby because suddenly the baby that no one wanted is the baby that EVERYBODY now wants?

Or is it the journey once again down the path where I think I can make it alright for my mother only to learn once again that she has chosen a different way – a way that is not alright – because her suffering, her victmhood, is what actually is her life, and you can’t take that away from her?

Then again, maybe the long journey that I’ve been on is the one where I keep going around the spiral and winding up at the same place only higher up the rung and that is the path where I’m constantly amazed how simple things like sunshine, working in the garden, having a beer in the afternoon, waking up to my gf telling me she loves me, having coffee with a friend, watching Loca play, and having a good cup of tea (FINALLY) is the one this day, this horoscope, refers to.

Thank god for good weather – if today wasn’t so beautiful it would be a good day to crawl in a hole, but it’s nice enough to think que sera, sera and power onward knowing that tomorrow we’ll find our way.

The doctor’s appointment went well today – 27 weeks – everyone fine – we’ve had no baby mama drama at all to speak of – but in the background is the grinding noise of the father who doesn’t have a plan for caring for the baby but has as a plan that no one else come up with a solution because he’s beating his chest to make sure everyone knows he roars the loudest. A rocky emotional day that has been exhausting and a lesson once again on how complicated life can be.

Let’s just say the confluence of my mother sticking her head in the sand about her faltering health and finances and endlessly repeating the same mantra which is “I don’t want to be a burden to anyone” – (well, wake up and smell the coffee, you are!) – and Arlene not making it through the night anymore because of her incontinence – then this morning Loca eating Wolfie’s diuretic – my reading too much news about how we are all going to hell in a handbasket – and my failing patience to put up with any of this is not a harmonic convergence instead it feels like someone fed me rat poison this morning.

I don’t care what anybody says I love John Denver and his song, If I had a day that I could give to you, I’d give to you a day just like today. Sunshine on my shoulder, makes me happy. But I digress, T and I met for a beer at Brasserie Marigny today because it was too beautiful to stay inside. Not just any beer but a Stella Artois – have you seen these commercials – well seems like a lot of bars around town suddenly have Stella on tap and have those cool glasses – so picture a day just like today and an ice cold Stella being poured to perfection and there you have the makings of a John Denver song – Sunshine almost always makes me smile.

I’ve been pissy and moany lately because of the virus I was getting over, the menopause that hasn’t really kicked in completely, and just generally not feeling 100%. My gf tells me this is purely an American trait, to expect that every day you will be 150% and go go go. In Eastern Europe, a day is a day, where if you are peaked, so be it, and if you are moody, so be it, and if you feel great, well there it is.

I think Americans do expect a lot from themselves and we do go go go. But we are a product of our culture and we can’t slip on Eastern European clothes and say hey, I’m moody today, no big deal. We want to wake up and conquer the day with a to do list miles long, we want our babies to speak four languages, we want our grass shorn to the perfect height, we want a song in our heart, and we want to also be successful at work, family, friends, relationships, pet ownership, and any sorted hobbies we choose to pursue.

I’m exhausted just writing that.

Today is outstanding – OUTSTANDING – Loca and I went for a longer walk through City Park and the cypress trees are leafing out with that chartreuse green that only a cypress can produce. We ran into one of our fellow walkers who we haven’t seen for a while and he said he was hibernating because of the cold (uh, that would be about 40 to 50 degrees for your yankees). He said I don’t know how they live up north, I’d be depressed every day. I said, so would I darling.

Then Loca and I, a spring in our step, made the big loop around the park, and marveled at the wildlife, the botanical garden all in bloom with pink, red and white azaleas, red buds, camellias, all bursting forth from the green.

Spring is a time to fall in love again with everything that is wonderful in the world. If you have Louis Armstrong on your Ipod, play him today:

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And i think to myself:
“What a wonderful world!”

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to my self:
“What a wonderful world!”

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying “How do you do.”
Thay really say: “I love you!”

I hear babies crying I watch them grow
They’ll learn much more than I’ll ever know
And I think to myself:
“What a wonderful world!”
Yes, I think to myself:
“What a wonderful world!”

A friend of mine, also turning 50 this year, tells me a guy we both know who is slightly younger than us made this proclamation the other day: “I’ve decided to date only younger women.”

Thanks dear man friend for missing out on the best experience of your life – a woman of substance who has lived, learned, and most likely knows how to have more fun than you could ever have on your own, and not only that, she could hold court at a table of your peers or a bar room or a national convention.

In other words – poo on you.

There is something easier about being with a woman in this period of my life. The hot flashes, the rage and edginess, the everything else that menopause brings on. With a man, I was reluctant to speak honestly about these things because it seemed diminishing of my sexuality, my attractiveness, and everything else that goes between males and females.

The thing is that I’m still the same person but instead of young and ignorant and having my period every month and ovulating mid cycle and having the possibility of getting pregnant, now instead it’s hot flashes, thirst, edginess, lack of focus, memory lapses. But, I’m still cute.

When my 50th birthday comes up, I’m going to celebrate LIFE because we are always and never prepared for what comes next. Not looking forward to the next thing in life shows a lack of imagination. You think your next lover is going to be like all the rest? You think your friends are going to stay in the same square holes you’ve assigned them? You think your house, your job, your family, your body, your mind, your world are all static? Think again.

BAM, POW, VAVOOM – life has a way of surprising you. Believe that.

Yesterday, I went to yoga in a state of agitation. Once again the old peri-menopause symptoms have cranked up to the nth degree and my high state of being wound like a top needed a release that is not found in synthetic drugs. So off to Michele I went. My 49 year old body is as tight as a drum and that’s not a good thing, I mean it’s not flexible and most poses are challenging particularly Michele style – which is good, of course.