For all of my life my mother has been in a state of near panic over life itself. She’s not been able to enjoy even the fruits of her own labor. She’s been too anxious and worried and fearful. But yesterday she was watching this channel that the nurses put on for her with nature scenes and calming music. There was an image of a stream and woods with dappled sunlight through the leaves and mom said, “I’m enjoying this.”
My mom said that her dad visited her the other day. He died nearly two decades ago but it made me happy when she told me that because I would hope he and my grandmother would be somewhere around. I lay in bed the other night thinking about my loved ones who had died and that if I keep living there will be plenty more that will die.
I had gone next door to my neighbor’s because I was feeling blue but when I got there she was making plane reservations because a family member had come home from work that day and took off his clothes and dropped dead. He was 62. She said, can you imagine? And I said, that is how I hope to imagine my death – sudden.
The other day on our way to Neko Case, a young woman in an SUV ran a red light and almost slammed right into my door. We both managed to eek out the last life in our brakes and avoid a collision but afterwards T and I were shaken – albeit Neko Case’s lush voice steadied us by the second song.
What about other kinds of deaths – deaths of marriages, deaths of friendships, deaths of cities, deaths of ideas, death of dreams, death of careers? What is death but a transition? When you look at the other side of death there is birth, right?
Note to self: try to find the answer to this question soon.
Monday came much sooner than I expected. One minute I was in dreamland and the next the clock said it’s late, get your lazy butt out of bed. And so hi ho, it’s off to work I go. I arrived at my desk to the usual firestorm and only just now took a breath.
My mother in law sent me positive energy via a picture that speaks a 1000 words:
I don’t know why birds cause such serenity in humans – maybe their ability to fly is what enchants us. I saw two men (birders) with binoculars eyeing the cormorants today in the park. We all looked at the birds and the birds all looked elsewhere.
[As for me, I used to be a bird]
As for me, I used to be a bird
with a gentle white womb,
someone cut my throat
just for laughs,
I don’t know.
As for me, I used to be a great albatross
and whirled over the seas.
Someone put an end to my journey,
without any charity in the tone of it.
But even stretched out on the ground
I sing for you now
my songs of love.
ALDA MERINI
translated from the Italian by Susan Stewart
It’s Saints frenzy around here these days – who dat say they gonna beat them Saints?
So Thanksgiving is coming and so are many other feasting opportunities and the question of going vegetarian still hangs in the balance. I think we’re back to just trying to cut back on the amount of meat we eat – which isn’t necessarily a lot but we are certainly more reliant on it than we need to be or even want to be. With Thanksgiving approaching and a lot of turkeys already at the chopping block, it makes sense to take a good hard look at the production of meat in the United States because there is something more than wrong with it.
While we were on our roadtrip a woman said to me, “Obama is a liar!” and when I asked her what he had lied about, she said everything – just this morning walking Loca, a woman stopped to admire her beauty and I said, “We call her Obama dog because she is so sleek and black and handsome.” The woman said, “Your dog might get more done.” I said, “Give him a chance” when we parted. Today Maureen Dowd says Obama needs to take lessons from Palin (or as I refer to her, “The Horror”).
Palin’s back – very scary. Obama is losing supporters – very scary.
Even though yesterday was our decreed bed-in day, we ventured out to see Neko Case at the Republic. Listening to her sing, adjectives like ethereal, other worldly, rich, lush all vie as descriptors, let’s just say you should experience this singer/songwriter live because she is nothing short of fabulous. The musicians who accompanied her were equal to her talent. We were in thick with the crowd and my eyes started sweating since it was so hot in the Republic, but when we stepped to the side to get a hint of a/c we lost touch with the band. We left early unfortunately because there was no getting back to our original post. Would love to see her again at One Eyed Jack’s, Tips, or even House of Blues, but the Republic and it’s Jailhouse Rock set up left a lot to be desired the least of which was air.
On a side note, her beautiful red hair made me miss my own, and that’s not because the bartender at Buffa’s the other night asked T if I was her twin. Good lord.
We’re having a love fest at our house. Watch John and Yoko in this video – it makes me smile to see them in love but then makes me sad to remember how he was killed and all that talent died with him.
I scanned an old photo of my mom with a heifer that my uncle had given me years ago and taped it up in her hospital room. She loved it. She said the cow’s name is Libby.
