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Last night, I took Jake home after we had spent a lovely evening together. For his birthday, I got him a raincoat with flames on it and rainboots and an umbrella and even sunglasses with flames. Then for his holiday gift I got him a race car. She shoots, she scores was the theme of my gifts with him this year. We lit the menorahs – the 7th night – with friends from the hood and all basked in the glow of the candles. 

I had a heavy heart yesterday – in being myself I caused my lover to run from me like flames were licking at their feet. Ah, what a way to be – causing terror wherever you go – being too much whatever. 

I wound up finding out that a friend is pregnant with twins – it’s early – but I wish both of those tiny little rice kernel babies become fully formed and join us here. 

I got the right gift for J too – she told me the story a while back of someone who placed a silver plaque – a small one – in the tree over by the turn in the bayou. It said FAITH – but over the years the tree had grown over the plaque and now all you can see is AITH. She said when she was really going through a rough patch she came across it for the first time and it inspired her to keep plugging. So when I saw in the Sundance catalog a bracelet with a silver plaque that said FAITH – I knew what I was getting her for Christmas. 

I’m getting it right most of the time. It’s just my heart that is my most vulnerable organ – I had it all nice and hardened up – no roads in, remember? – and then without any warning, someone drove a flaming tractor trailer through it and kept going – a total hit and run, leaving me with a big gaping hole. So yesterday I put out some orange cones, and today, I’m making asphalt as fast as I can. I should have the hole patched up in no time. The road blocks will once again find their place before the next joker, who thinks they stand a chance of passing the toll gate without paying, comes along. 

The heavy lifting – it’s just fucking constant around here. 

The balmy weather makes me feel so Gulf South I can hardly stand it. My mind has been roughed up a little lately because of my heart walking back out to the precipice of desire and leaping into a cauldron of boiling issues. Drama. The good thing is that I have faith it is all going to work out. I know somewhere deep inside of me that it will all be revealed very soon and so I quiet the riot in my head by putting my head in a different game – my work – and by taking care of myself as best I can. Looking over the photographs from yesterday – me with my blithe spirit dropping to my knees for Holy Night on the boat (people get a kick out of the Jewish girl’s love of Christmas music) – everyone in the gazebo laughing, and feasting, and having a blessed time – Pelicans and Skimmers and Seagulls were our constant companions yesterday and to make sure to reinforce how blessed our lives are a rainbow appeared in the horizon – another icon of joy. 

Blessed are the drama queens for they will inherit the mirth. 

F and J both put their ska-noes in the water and lashed them to each other. We picked up people along the way and wound our way down through Park Island to F’s gazebo where we set up brunch of croissants, turkey bacon, eggs, melon, satsumas, pastries, and spinach pie along with our mimosas. We toasted to the absolute wonder in our lives and marvelled at how blessed we all are individually and together. Then we made our way back to the LaLa passing through a downpour that felt like a summer shower on this warm December day – at the end was a rainbow in the sky. 

Sunday morning I rode my bike out to the lakefront wearing a tee shirt and shorts – it’s that crazy time of year weatherwise here in New Orleans where one day is balmy, the next is dry and crisp, and the next is cold. You don’t know what to wear at any given time. But being back on my bike for the first time since my peel was wonderful – my solo Sunday mornings – after a nice tucked in solo Saturday evening. 

I spent the afternoon and evening on Saturday at my desk getting work done that keeps getting pushed to the back. It felt good to finally have the space to address it.  

Instead, for 20 minutes, I thought about my mother and how frail she sometimes seems as I watched her walk haltingly from the truck to the restaurant. For 5 minutes, I wondered why I hadn’t gone to the gym today and if I could sneak in a bike ride before the champagne brunch regatta tomorrow. Then for about 10 minutes I thought about who I need to buy holiday presents for and rearranged who would get what I have already bought. And for about another 15 minutes, I concentrated on a work project that I’ve been wanting to finish. The 10 remaining minutes of the hour that I did not think about you today, I contemplated a sculpture that I want to buy and place in front of the LaLa. 

Right now we have a good group going on – the members of the inner group are forging deep connections based on mutual belief that we have grown past certain people in our lives and are ready for loving kindness and how we can participate in it. These are the people I spend my time with and they fill me with such joy. Of course, tonight, I’m avoiding them like the plague because I need a night off – tomorrow morning we’ll rejoin – we’re having a champagne brunch regatta down the bayou. 

We went over to the Mid City Studio open house and looked around for holiday gifts. There was a woman there who made freaky chicken head hammers and charged $900 for them. There were artists I knew. Even my therapist was wandering the halls. There were ceramic kois that I think I am going to get for the wall of my bathroom from Mark Derby who did my LALA plaques. 

When I wasn’t expecting it – I watched my friend with an artist begin the dance of attraction. Very interesting to watch this take place – it was a look and then – because it comes out of nowhere it’s completely disarming, but like lightning, it sears when it strikes. 

Got up this morning and walked over to P’s to buy some pottery for holiday gifts. Then mom came and she, J and I went to Chateau Cafe for breakfast. Mom was dressed in a slinky black dress with suede black boots and a green sweater – it was 10AM and 87 degrees outside. The waitress had cobalt blue contacts on that were wild looking and they said they didn’t have grits – which is odd since Robert’s is right behind them – how hard is it to go buy the grits and cook them? 

Last night, I dressed to go out to DesCours in all black with my high platform Luchovy black boots, but I never quite made it out of the neighborhood. Friends came over to light the menorah and I ended up going with them to Swirl and hanging out with friends and dancing. Again, I found myself tempted by the fruit of another despite repeated warnings to not head down this road. So I decided the best thing to do was split and walk back to the LaLa. 

Once tucked in bed and feeling good that I was going to be getting a night’s sleep for a change, I heard one of my friends outside my bedroom window calling to me – I had not been answering the phone. So I put on my robe and went out to the front porch to find a posse waiting for me. 

I caved and got dressed again and we went to Arabesque to eat. The food was delicious and for an entree F and I ordered a big fat slice of chocolate cake. Then we came back to the LaLa and I read their tarot cards. When I was falling asleep at my own dining table at 2am – everyone decided to leave. 

I’m starting to believe the best company is one’s own. I love my peeps, but there is nothing better than righting yourself and feeling comfortable in your own skin. Have a great weekend – I know I plan to.