Time is what is needed – time to gain clarity, time to think, time to heal, time to feel emotions in entirety, time to see, time to be, time to be apart, time to miss, time to let it all settle in. I have nothing but time to offer.
On my way to Pilates a big fat rainbow appeared end to end across the city – glorious – sprinkled around the parking lot and street were people with their cell phones taking pictures of it. Then another appeared directly underneath. A double rainbow – a lucky omen – if only to believe New Orleans will be spared we had a moment shall I say.
She wants to swim with dolphins, instead she swims through jello most days. She being me, of course. The one thing that I learned today is that there is always tomorrow – no need to put a shotgun in your mouth, because really there is hope.
I have this secret thing going on right now where I just have a good feeling that it is all going to work out. That come 2008, I will be sitting here at the LaLa, my financial house in order, my health good, my loved ones happy, and a loved one with me – someone who matches my affirmation to a T – I marvel at how I wrote this blindly a few months ago:
How does it feel to be in love?
Love is a desire to want to be with a person, to come to love them more than yourself, and to constantly want to learn more about them. It is a feeling that I love who I am when I’m with this person and they are obviously and transparently in love with me – the person adds measurably to my life with fun, humor, insight, kindness, sensuality, touching and kissing, sex, spontaneity, dance and music, loves me for who I am and doesn’t want me to change, and I am proud of who they are. A person who surprises me, who gives to me lovingly, who wants to delight me, who fits in easily with my friends and family, who is so easy to look at I want to look at this person all day.
To think that this person appeared presto change-o into my life is a miracle.
If most men live lives of quiet desperation – think how people here in New Orleans live two years after Hurricane Katrina ransacked our joie de vivre and turned our lives upside down. Yesterday, down a quiet street where my friends live, a man put a shotgun to his face and killed himself. My friend was brushing her teeth at the time – routine – when she heard the shot. And yet, she got herself dressed and went to her store and hung Christmas decorations, all the while carrying the weight of another lost soul.
I brought all my menorahs over to Swirl to light the candles for the eighth night – I decided to wear my platinum blonde wig as I’ve been in need of a disguise lately and one of my friends showed up in her red wig so we went as each other. We had merriment and joy and all of those things you are looking for on the eighth night.
We came back to the LaLa and formed our band of kooks and danced and laughed but in the end I woke this morning with a bigger hole in my heart than I anticipated and so began again to attempt the impossible – to disengage, to dissociate, to dissolve. Forget about quieting the chatter in my head – it’s the chatter of other people constantly telling me what I should be doing, what you should be doing, what is really going on. As if they could see what I see – feel what I feel – be who I be. As if.
One heart a breaking
I am moving forward.
Lips pursed in photo
Tell story of what’s to come
Lights Camera Action
I’m in total crybaby mode right now due to some dearth of hormones I suspect. This morning a friend called whose dog has cancer and I burst into tears when she was telling me about his prognosis not being very good. She asked how I was doing about keeping my distance from the person who stole my heart and wont give it back and I said, eh, whatever, but then started crying. Cry me a fucking river.
So same friend just sent me a text message that I have never gotten before – she sent a pic of her and her dog smiling up at me and when I open it, it says, “We love you Rachel.” So I started crying all over again – but this time tears of happy.
Can someone get me some hormones – fast – before I dry up over here.
J had a snowman walking a little snow dog sitting on her side table. Last night, Loca ate the little snow dog and roughed up the snowman.