What if I am in your life because I was meant to be here to fall in love with you and what if you are in my life to love me and what if all the meaning in the world that can be wrested is that we love greatly one another?
The day’s auspicious beginnings – walk Loca and see B with Taylor – she’s telling me about something innocent, a discussion amongst friends, but I’m hearing something else – the underlying messages that are being sent are registering on my face till B asks, “You okay?” Yes, I say, a little teary. Good god, stop the madness I think, so I walk good and long through the park, and go good and long through my mind’s eye to make sure this is a day to be thankful, not a day to mourn for what is not present in my life.
Later at the coffee shop, I’m outfitted with all sorts of consumer devices – cell phone, IPod, laptop – all these things that help you communicate and yet the one person I’m trying to send a message to is the one I’m communicating the least with. This is the one I’m suddenly tongue tied or miscommunicating with or simply just not getting everything that wants to spill out of my mouth out in any sort of articulate or cogent manner. And I get a text from AA who is with her girlfriend in Florida taking a time out from the busy year to relax. Her text simply asks, “Well?”
I read through some reports and emails – attempting work in a different place to gain a different perspective – and another text comes in – “U okay?” – what suddenly am I on death row or something where everyone has to check in and make sure I’m okay? I’m okay all right, already. But who wants to be just okay?
I go to Swirl and visit with B&K and end up eating wasabi peas that make me have a stomach ache. So then I just go home. But I forgot something at the coffee shop and have to go back. A purple scarf. And in the gloaming – a time when I normally feel a sense of peace – walking around the bayou I see a silhouette of who is so familiar, of who makes my hand shake, it is a living vision board to which I want to tape the following ideas/thoughts:
I want to get to know you!
Let’s go to India!
I want a hot tub, do you?
Let’s go eat at August and sit at the bar instead of the main dining room.
I want to drive to Beau Rivage – I’ve never been – and dance at night and do spa during the day.
Let’s lay in bed for one full day and never get up – we’ll pack an overnight picnic the night before and plug in an electric pot of water for tea.
Let’s walk the dogs till they are so exhausted they come back and sleep and we run around in PJs with socks on.
Let’s dance – always.
I want to watch an entire movie with you sitting on my lap.
Let’s take mad money and shop in New York.
Read this poem aloud to me: “… our souls therefore which are one, endure not yet a breach, but an expansion, like gold to airy thinness beat. If they are two, they are two so, as stiff twin compasses are two … thy firmness makes my circle just, and makes me end where I begun.”
Read that poem in the bathtub with bubbles two feet high.
I’m sorry – I’m sorry – I’m sorry.
Let’s ride bikes all over Cuba.
I want to smell you.
Mom had a cigarette burn in the corner of her eye. I asked her what up with that and she said she was trying out Chinese torture.
City Park was a buzz with kids and parents and SNOW – yes that’s right – they brought the snow machine out when it was something like 78 degrees outside and humid and made snow for the kids on Christmas. Odd, huh?
I wrote much earlier about the hand shaking phenomenon – that there are those lovers in your life who make your hand shake and those are the ones you have to watch out for because they got you – whatever that is, they got it. So my friend gets a dozen roses and a box of chocolates sent to her and her hand is shaking as she takes out the card because she thinks it is from her ex-squeeze who she is still in love with but had to get away from and it’s not – it’s from her stalker who wont give it up. All that hand shaking for nothing.
G and E came over and we had a PJ party. G brought Fatty Patty who we dressed up and put the antlers on and put her in the window as our Christmas decoration.
We had all the Ab Fabs that I had bought for a friend as a Christmas present but never gave her. We ate chocolate and drank champagne and danced on the stools. The Russians spies came by on their scooter looking all sleek and tall and pretty. We made a vision board out of the window and put the Winking Jesus in the middle and Loca barked and barked at the Winking Jesus till I almost busted my gut laughing.
Went by CoCo Hut and Mother Nature was there sitting outside in a chair – children, men, and women surrounding her. “Hi sistah,” she greets me. And Slim comes behind her turning up the volume on the television saying “I love me some westerns in the afternoon” and I said, “Rifleman, Bonanza,” and he says, “Oooh, I’m not that old,” and I laugh laugh laugh.
The song got to me – kind of unsuspecting. I was going along and then boom, out of the blue, the lyrics that have been in my head are coming from you. So I went to sleep that night, and at 3AM I woke on my right side, holding you, smelling you, I could feel your hair in my face, but at 3AM in my grogginess I realized it was a pillow I was holding and I tried to lull myself back to you in the dream – but couldn’t – so I wept and wept and wept all those heavy tears while holding tightly to the pillow till the sun came up and forced me out of myself.
And then I see you not too long afterwards and I’m obnoxious. Like a bull in a china closet. And you have your human armor encircling you as if this is war. Remember how you said you pawed the ground when your mother was holding you back as a child, I was doing the same – hooves raking the ground, flames from my nostrils, anger like a red hot branding iron that I wielded back to you since you are what is in my path, what is keeping me from moving forward.
Then time passes, love waits, time passes, love grows, time passes, love stays. I wake again, this time softer, kinder, and sorry you hurt, I hurt, and there is no peace on earth as long as the giants are suffering.
I remember I am a work in progress, growing, changing and becoming more every day. That is my affirmation this morning – this pic is Christmas Eve morning – the sun coming up again outside my window.
I’m going offline to figure out how to be disconnected. Last night Gul said I look like a flame in my red dress with my red hair. Flame on!