I got a call from D, he was my best man when S and I got married in 1990 – then he sailed almost around the world, then he moved to Paris, then to San Diego, and now he is back in San Francisco. His irreverance is always the best part of him.
Took mom to brunch at Dizzy’s because T&L told me they have the best homemade biscuits and there was a big crowd there and the food was delicious and as I looked around at all the black and white faces, I was so happy to be in my Chocolate and Vanilla city I could spit.
J and I discussed how lucky we are in our lives and how we have made a good lifestyle for ourselves. I talked about how blessed I am to have my job, my friends, my experiences. J talked about getting away from Dallas and her life in New Orleans. Mom wouldn’t participate saying she was feeling peaked.
The biscuits were damn good too. 
R left for the Ubangi camp but he’ll be back NYE afternoon and build a big fire for us and we’ll have fireworks and there will be a lot to be thankful for and people surrounding me who I love and again I say, how blessed am I?
We had a nice conversation late last night after the Swirling and the dinner and the everything and that was about understanding how powerful you are and not giving away your power to anyone who doesn’t deserve it – “they need to earn your love” – and you need to apply brakes when you want to charge – and I know all of these things so well, they’ve been told to me before, but they are so hard to really put into practice – but I liken it to the marathon training – you want to make 26 plus miles? You have to learn to leave the starting gate with a little bit of hesitation, you need to put in the time to get your body ready, you need to be mentally prepared to take your body over the finish line – all of these lessons apply to life. Believe you are a winner and you are one.
J and I walked through the park this morning with Loca and Lucky and she talked about St. Augustine’s pastor in Treme who always looks upward and says look up to the heavens – and I told her about the life coach who presented at the Woman’s Media Summit a few years back in NY who said that the best parts of life are when we have let go of one thing and are in mid swing about to clasp down on the next thing – she said this is our most imaginative period, our growth time, our creative awakening – and she and I spoke after her presentation and she said, when you walk out your door each morning look around in a different way – there is more out there then you are focusing on.
J and I headed to Swirl to catch up but instead had a lot people wanting to catch up with us so we got B&K to come with us to Arabesque for a late night dinner. We sat at the Moroccan copper table in the cozy bar perched on the stools and ordered hummus, Jericho chicken, kibbe, and cosmopolitans and talked about how we wish we could all be together for New Year’s Eve but instead B&K are going to a fancy dinner and J is going to a party and I’m having my own LaLa new year’s festivities and so we toasted instead to wanting to be with each other. A handsome man from Portugal who had been sitting at the bar went and got his guitar out of his car and sang to us in Portuguese – first the Girl from Ipanema and then a song he had written when he evacuated during Katrina – even in Portuguese we recognized the anguish and longing to be home he sang about. B elbowed me and said, “he’s cute, huh?” and I looked at her and said “I’m into girls these days honey” and her eyes grew wide.
Text early this morning from Fatma – a picture of her drinking Raki on the Bosphorous and a note that says “Istanbul misses you canikom!” 
My neighbors went away – Jerri for a week and R&A for a few days – you’d think they deserted me. But they are all back home and tucked in their respective abodes and now the neighborhood feels right again. J calls it our quality of life.
I took Jake to see the Bee Movie – it ain’t all that – but we enjoyed just watching the big screen and eating popcorn and gummy bears. When I went to pick him up, he looked different – I said “you look older” and he said, “that’s cause I’m four now” and I sighed. I told M, he looks older, and he says, yeah I know, sad isn’t it. How did that happen – in a week he looks older? Time passes. One week? It’s weird.
I’m trying to understand this time thing. I mean I was at someone’s birthday party last night – they turned 55 – in 7 years I will be 55. What will I be doing? Who will I be doing it with?
Right now some people have such huge importance in my life – they take up the real estate in my mind – will these people be at my 55th birthday party? Will someone be throwing me a surprise party?
It all rattles my cage. I am trying hard to be in the present – to enjoy what life offers me today – which is a lot of great stuff – but I find myself drumming my fingertips on the countertops, pacing in a small circle, hoping, pining, longing, wanting instead of what I should be doing – breathing, enjoying, luxuriating in all that is good around me – love and happiness.
It’s that feeling you have that you’re ready – you’re at the gate, you’re pawing the ground, you’re head is light as a balloon, and you’re ready to go – ready to start running and running like a prized stallion – but wait? no one fired the gun yet, no one agreed to the race yet, no one is opening the door.