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I dreamed I flew to Portland, Oregon and asked Steve to marry me again. Again, a full bore manifestation of my waking life asserting itself into my dreams. I had told S earlier that I wished Steve and I would have been able to bridge to the other side but we couldn’t.

There’s a saying for that – for every door that closes, one opens. But being human and being me means sometimes you stare at the closed door for a long time wondering, what if?

The problem in dwelling on the what ifs is that you miss the what nows and are blind to what’s next. If you live for what’s next, you miss the what now? If you live just for the what now, you might get blindsided by what’s next. Good grief. No wonder people crave the company of another soul – because there is sometimes too much living that goes on in one’s mind and if there is no pressure valve open to relieve the ingredients of those thoughts – you start feeling like you are walking off the planet and worse, that no one is noticing.

Today we watched the dog swimming in a circle splashing like crazy and so we went out to find out what was going on – a woman said the dog had fallen out of a pickup truck and must have hurt his back – so we took the canoe out with a borrowed leash from a bystander and as we were pulling away a man said “He’s just having fun.” I told him what the woman said and he refuted it, saying the dog had jumped out the back of the truck and jumped in to have fun. As we paddled closer I saw that it was a Pitt Bull who growled at us and my desire to save it faded. Good thing, because turns out it was just having fun. So we came back.

As you stand back and watch yourself from the outside in and you hear yourself asking the same questions over and over – do I wish for anything more, when I’m happy now? Am I happy? Or am I restless? If I wish for something specific, how will I know if that is what is best for me? Do I know? What if I just wish for a macro joie de vivre – is that a cop out? – an unwillingness to be certain? – we can only be certain of what we know – how can we wish for the unknown with certainty?

Why aren’t people satisfied with the status quo? Why do we strive to improve upon what perhaps doesn’t need improving? What do I really want? Would I know it when I got it? What if I have all I want but I will never know that because I’m not meant to know? Would you believe in a God you understood? What if God has the same questions?

I’m here in the middle of my bayou going around in circles, kicking up my heels and splashing – in other words, having a good time – it just looks like I’m drowning.

We all went out to help fundraise for Todd and Erin and the music was fun, the crowd was grooving, I was helping Swirl pour wines. The Russian spy girls were shocked to see me without my face peeling off. And I bid on wooden balls – the sun and the moon – and got them! Todd was in his wheelchair and he said he was feeling tired. I imagine so. His story was in the Times Picayune today.

When I interviewed Todd for the tattoo book, we spoke about his friend who committed suicide by way of heroin after the storm. So much to go through for one person – tonight it’s Todd I send all my good thoughts to and to Erin (his guardian angel – may we all be so blessed).

Rick Reynolds says he loves Christmas time because he gets to cull his list of friends. He has a whole set of criteria of who gets on his friend list and he loves taking people off. S’s father loves his birthday party list where he gets to edit his “friends” as well. I find I don’t have to make a list these days as attrition happens (a good bumper sticker – don’t ya think?) – as luck would have it, the world keeps replenishing my list with more fascinating and loving people each day.

Hey, it works for me.

Last night, after dinner, I lay in bed to the screams of some lunatic in the street. I thought to get up several times but kept thinking it would stop. This morning, D and J were gathered in discussion about the lunatic. Who was he? Why didn’t we call the police? What was he saying over and over again – was it Wanda? Rhonda? I offered, Help Me Rhonda?

S and I were marveling over our love of the same book – The Razor’s Edge – but it’s no marvel – we are both seekers and that is the quintessential book on this theme. Walking along the glassy bayou this morning, I turned into City Park and the lagoon was so dark and inky, so reflective, so mirror-like, that I thought of Narcissist and how he loved gazing at his reflection. Did Narcissist see inside himself, was he self-aware? Because a friend was telling me he operates under the guise of self-loathing – has he gazed inside and seen something there he hates or does he believe if others could gaze in there that is what they would see?

J and I were walking our dogs and J was doing her usual complaining about Lucky and Lucky is a fence fighter and this drives J crazy. Someone walking by said, “Yeah, I’ve been a fence fighter my whole life.”

There is a school of thought that you fence someone into a persona when you put a label on it – for instance, ADD suddenly swallows the entire person, who can now be reduced to one single acronym – A D D.

Think of all the words that swallow you – FAT, ADD, UNHAPPY, WOMANIZER, BITCH, COWARD – these are big words that eat up whole people and spit them back out as labelled, as done, as they are what they are.

Let’s lighten up a little – and see the complexities of all human beings – and move towards the light instead of dwelling on the negative descriptors that pull you down into an abyss you can’t climb out of.

Steve – architect of the LaLa – entered a competition with his partner, Chris, and they came in 3rd place for the Eastern Site and received a commendation for the Inner Site. Woo hoo!

I stumbled across this website and could not believe it – Rick Reynolds – I saw him in 1992 in San Francisco and he was so unbelievably funny that I ached for days afterwards. He has this uncanny knack for taking you as low as you could go before tears are welling over in your eyes to rip roaring laughter that makes your jaw ache.

His website is about his battle with depression though and goodness knows I know a lot of people who could use some happiness pills, but I like that he makes an effort pill-less, religion-less, doctor-less to find happiness on his own.

You go Rick!

Toddarama, Benefit for Todd Windisch, Saturday November 17, 1 to 5 pm
In lieu of the 1 year anniversary party for Swirl and Lux Salon, the Faubourg St. John Merchants Association is holding a fund raiser for one of our fellow business owners.  Todd Windisch, who co-owns Lux Salon with his wife Erin Peacock, had a terrible motorcycle accident 6 weeks ago and is still hospitalized.  To help Todd with his medical expenses and get back on his feet, no pun intended, we’re throwing a big party in Fortier Park, across Esplanade from Swirl.  So join us at “Toddarama” with the musical stylings of Quintron and Miss Pussycat, The Swip and Luke Allen of Happy Talk Band; plus food and drink from  Lola’s, Café Degas, Asian Pacific and Liuzza’s, Swirl, Pal’s Lounge, Fair Grinds, Terranova’s, and Canseco’s.  We’ll also have fabulous silent auction items featuring the work of local artists, gift certificates for fine dining restaurants and salon services, wine trips and more!

If you’ve never had a Terranova’s Stuffed Artichoke or long for the days when you could get one, you are in luck. Tomorrow, and ONLY tomorrow Terranova’s will be selling their legendary stuffed artichokes for 10 bucks each.

All of the proceeds from the sale of these delicious artichokes will go toward the Todd Windisch Recovery fund. While you are there ask about Terranova’s great, which they only have once each week on Saturday.

After you obtain your prized artichoke and muffaletta, head across the street to Fortier Park at 1 pm for free live music and fun. 3100 block of Esplanade.