Dangermond.org

In retrospect the elephant sanctuary was pivotal in my forward direction – I came back and closed three doors – almost instantly doors started opening on the other side, which was good – finally I was operating in an environment that was not filled with past hurts and passions but instead offered possibilities. Gone – that old ball and chain. It has been the usual flurry of activity – from Bacchanal to festivals to concerts to dinners and porch sitting till early morning and hey, throw in a clam bake.

Went to the New Orleans Museum of Art to see the Katrina Exposed exhibit – I knocked on T’s door and asked her along and we both were struck by the images – H’s aunt and uncle pushing a raft with their dog, the LaLa house covered in blue tarp long before blue tarp became symbolic of Katrina. I hit one series of photos of floating dead bodies and the tears started falling and then T saw her husband’s aunt and uncle swimming to safety from their house – all of it was very moving. I bought the book for both Ss and will bring to California when I go after next week.

In a late night conversation on Friday, sitting on G’s stoop – in typical New Orleans tradition – T was telling a Cajun joke and then he told another and he said, well you should hear SD tell them and I just said uh oh, you know SD?, and he said how do you know him? And well you just can’t keep all of your skeletons in the closet, can you now? T said to me that he did not date in high school because he was shy and that he is still shy – a disclaimer? Early at the Pitot House for Cork & Bottle’s wine tasting I met the woman who keeps the garden out front – well I was introduced to E via T who took me upstairs to meet M who does the garden and before you knew it I was washing glasses for the tasting then committing to Wednesday mornings to help with the garden – I just came down and gave T a look.

Earlier, I picked up paddles and life vests for the canoe and decided to go for an evening boatride rather than head out to Bacchanal for Sunday night reverie.

“The hurricane protection system in New Orleans and southeast Louisiana was a system in name only,” said the draft of the nine-volume report, released yesterday in New Orleans. [NYT 6/2/06]

It’s early in the morning and I can’t sleep even though the day was fine. I was able to move through a lot of difficult issues with the LaLa and come to see it for what it is – a big project. In order to feel like I had accomplished one thing toward this project I went over to the house equipped with broom, dustpan and bags and I cleaned for two hours. As I dragged the last big black garbage bag to the front I heard someone blowing their horn, a tinny old fashioned car horn, and I looked across the bayou and saw N’s yellow Mercedes rounding the bend – home from her 10 day journey – and I jumped up and down and waved and my heart swelled for the love of her, the love of here, the love of the LaLa.

Turns out my contractor was right the 5-ton a/c unit can’t cool the addition, so S – the a/c guy – came over and we decided to do a 4-ton on the house and a 2-ton on the addition. Like E – the electrician – when he found out that S and I were separated I was spared no details on his own divorce and life – amazing – he said I should try artificial insemination for a child and I told him no can do – funny guy. Then I finally tracked down the alarm guy and told him he ran a wire straight through my clerestory, so he’s coming to fix that. P, my neighbor from General Pershing 17 years ago, is doing all the jams and weights on my windows and his wife E is glazing my two broken windows – the old float glass is around $700 so in a snap executive decision I said forget about old float glass because for the unforeseeable future I am going to have a bunch of derelicts in this house who could potentially break another window so I’ll fix that later and so E is putting in regular glass at a cost of 1/10th of that.

I have heard NOT ONE WORD from K the contractor – this defies any words I have to say on the matter.

I went down to figure out my rent situation here at the Can since they lost my last check and turns out I had to fork over $3120 just to get caught up to the end of June – GOOD FUCKING LORD – does the money hemorrhaging ever stop?

G came to meet me for a wine tasting downstairs at Cork & Bottle to taste reislings and we had a nice chat about next steps with our product. Then I went to Ralph’s to have dinner with L and his mom, J, and my mom. J and my mom like each other a lot so we had a very pleasant evening. It was odd to listen to mom finally admit that as soon as S was born she was intensely needy and remains so today. So she was quite pleased when I was born and didn’t need anything – a ha – we always come back to that – Rachel doesn’t need – AHEM – she does too!

Haven’t been able to sleep since 3AM, the upfront market is breaking as I write in New York with CBS leading the way instead of ABC since ABC seems intent to stall on their Live Plus 7 ratings – which translates to this for those who don’t know media – advertisers buy television time upfront of the next television season and are guaranteed audience ratings – with the advent of DVR’s advertisers are saying that if it isn’t watched live then it doesn’t count and ABC is saying live plus seven days afterwards counts and advertisers are balking at that – which they should – because years ago when VHS came about advertisers had to swallow that shows viewed on tape were counted as live which is bullshit.

Finished my book so was looking for something to read while I am so wide awake and picked out my Hirshfield poems and the Tao Te Ching – found a sticky note inside from 1998 that said in my handwriting “1:30AM, home from Brown & Root, do I really need money this bad?” – I will leave you with one thought today and that is Tao Te Ching #44

Fame or integrity: which is more important?
Money or happiness: which is more valuable?
Success or failure: which is more destructive?

If you look to others for fulfillment,
you will never truly be fulfilled.
If your happiness depends on money,
you will never be happy with yourself.

Be content with what you have;
rejoice in the way things are.
When you realize there is nothing lacking,
the whole world belongs to you.

Bad vortex right now – thought it was just me but seems to be in the air, in the ether. I met with the new contractor and it is confirmed I was being bamboozled by an idiot – now don’t just think yeah right it’s the new guy pointing the finger at the old gal – because D only confirmed what many many others have told me. It’s like the fucking legacy of N or something – I know – no matter what it just all ends up bad. What was that song L told me about a long time ago – it will all end in tears.

So last night went to see Cowboy Mouth and the crowd was the largest I have seen since going to these Wednesday concerts. I met up with G and towards the end the band got the crowd all riled up and going and it was really engaging and fun. We left to head to Emerils and meet T with M there – M is moving to California – a life long dream of his – rots of ruck I told him. We left them there and went to Cafe Brasil where G got to hang out with her hottie drummer and I took salsa lessons with an Asian data manager from the Westbank – hell he was a good dancer so whatyagonnado – but by the time Freddy came on with the band I was done – ready to go home – daunted by what is ahead of me – all this peeling off layers and walking around with this raw exposed insides just takes its toll on finding a quiet place in my mind.

Meanwhile in the middle of the night T called and said she and G had gotten in a spat and she brought my name into it and she was apologizing. Then G sent a note this morning trying to sort through what it all meant. I went to walk the Bean and met up with L and his boys and he seemed distracted and not in a great mood himself. We’re taking our moms to Ralph’s on the Park tonight for dinner – he brought J back from El Dorado for about a ten day visit. The Snake was out with Renny so we all walked and talked and then I came home to take a bike ride before the day got going. S called upset and we talked about what was eating at her and I told her I think it is some universal malaise we have all entered.

From my own myopia – I stand between being thrilled to be here in New Orleans and being tormented by the task of living and dying in New Orleans – the LaLa, it being June 1st, the artful recovery of a heart that has been skewered to the goddamn nth degree now repeatedly with the latest round robin with S, the delicate balance of friends and their tender hearts, and just trying to find a way to go forward that makes some sense out of all this mess. Maybe it doesn’t make sense. N is driving home from Virginia and she is writing country songs in her mind to keep herself awake – she said I inspired one which goes “What we had is all we got” – she finds me as a subject matter highly amusing – sometimes I do too and sometimes I’m just wary of the whole ensemble.

I went for a long bike ride and thought about T who rides his bike most mornings – who N called the “guy on the bike who never smiles” – and I wasn’t smiling for the first time while riding my bike and I didn’t smile the whole time and I rode to the lakefront and I kept my grimace thin and tight – and I wondered if T woke up feeling the way I felt today every morning – and thought hell that would be tragic – and so like all human beings when you hear or find or make yourself aware of someone who is worse off than you, your life with its petty pathetic issues that get you down doesn’t seem so bad anymore. Seems almost doable, livable, lovable (perhaps), or at least manageable today on this the first day of hurricane season.