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So today was yesterday redux – LaLa and more – exponentially – and yet I neglected to mention on Sunday I took Jacob to see Cars and he was a little love machine and Cars sucked! Come on Pixar – what is that? Unfit for kids or adults. Tsk tsk. But meanwhile Jacob who is two and a half couldn’t say my name so he insisted on calling me Ocho – and hey, I kind of like that – and at night when L was putting him to bed he said “tell Ocho nigh nigh” – what a cutie pie! I was trying to give L and M some alone time since they haven’t had much and J’s sibling is arriving soon – and she wanted to encourage a relationship between J and me because she thinks it is ludicrous for me to adopt a child when so many people have children they need help with – I told her to lock up her husband since one thing leads to another – she liked that, thought it was hysterically funny. So fucking funny, I amuse myself sometimes.

The glass went in the windows at the LaLa and everyone has been commenting on how great they look. I was looking out of them and the view was breathtaking and heartbreaking all at the same time. Sigh.

My friend E writes in his blog – “I think it’s clear that we are entering the phase where it is more disruptive to have disagreements addressed in the legal system.” – that line tickled me so much I couldn’t stop laughing – of course you need to read the entire entry – it’s his June 12 entry under http://www.ernietheattorney.net/.

I read about all these bloggers who should quit their day jobs and blog all day – like Tom Friedman’s for the NYT, or Scott Simons of NPR, or Joe Brancatelli for travel – it’s amazing. I was speaking to L and she asked – are there a lot of bloggers in New Orleans – and I said – are you kidding me?

Meanwhile – I’m leaving for San Francisco where the high is 57 – what goes on? – I have to repack in my mind based on here and there – but Thursday I am going to the Rotunda for lunch – my absolute favorite lunch spot – and so getting excited about going even though I hate cold in summer!

NYT this morning writes: “Now, as the [NOPD] department tries to fight its way back, sharp budget cuts — and a recent spike in drug-related killings in the city — are adding to fears that years of overhauls and modernization may be undone, and that New Orleans could return to its former notoriety as one of the nation’s murder capitals.

A colleague from Massachusetts writes: Every time I open Yahoo I see a new “weather update.” So…I guess I’m offering an apology from the rest of the world who seem to prefer to look past the beauty of where you live and focus on the “what ifs.” I believe this could be the best summer New Orleans has had in years – Enjoy every day and don’t read anything — they’re just jealous…:-)

Tom Waits writes:
I Wish I Was in New Orleans

Well, I wish I was in New Orleans
I can see it in my dreams
arm-in-arm down Burgundy
a bottle and my friends and me
hoist up a few tall cool ones
play some pool and listen to that
tenor saxophone calling me home
and I can hear the band begin
“When the Saints Go Marching In”
by the whiskers on my chin
New Orleans, I’ll be there

I’ll drink you under the table
be red nose go for walks
the old haunts what I wants
is red beans and rice
and wear the dress I like so well
and meet me at the old saloon
make sure there’s a Dixie moon
New Orleans, I’ll be there

and deal the cards roll the dice
if it ain’t that ole Chuck E. Weiss
and Claiborne Avenue me and you
Sam Jones and all
and I wish I was in New Orleans
I can see it in my dreams
arm-in-arm down Burgundy
a bottle and my friends and me
New Orleans, I’ll be there

Who are these nutballs who undertake home remodels on their own volition – are they masochists? – the to do lists come like tsunamis – although the day started kind of nice – the BSF ran by twice with his usual charming dimples, T almost ran me and Arlene over on his bike, I thought I saw L, man of mystery, walking his dogs and remembered I hadn’t called him back, and then when he returned on his bike, I was like, yep, I didn’t call him back. Then N and I gathered rakes and bags and gloves and proceeded to clean the bayou for an hour pulling out plastic bags, bottles, cans and the stack of phone books.

Then it was to the LaLa to bring the vanity lights for the electrician, and then back to get some interviews in for the upfront, and a report coming out. Then had to drive to Harahan to pick out tiles once again which involved – of course – two different places and then a quick detour to Metairie to get a mammogram – can they not find a better way to do those things? – good grief – then it was back to the LaLa where E was waiting for me to tell me that my choice in doorbells had caused him great consternation and then he proceeded to give me a long list of things I needed to get him from Lowes – and by this time I was in whirling dervish mode and forgot I had gone by and picked up the Bean and left her in the car with the windows up – E was standing there admiring the view from the porch talking about what a great location – good god what goes on – Arlene the Bean looked at me like I was a murderer.

Then it was back to the office to work some more and then I couldn’t wait to run out and go to the gym and put my IPOD on and tune out! And of course afterwards it was to Lowes to get all the stuff – and as I drove back from Claiborne Avenue and came upon the bayou, the sky had turned an ominous rose and dark grey and the rose reflected off the glassy bayou and about the time I was getting inside the Can, the thunder and lightning started and then the rain. There is something unusually gratifying about a busy busy day, a tired achy body, and a thunderstorm to tuck you in at night.

I rode my bike uptown yesterday morning to go to the gym and I realized that I love my bike – for whatever reasons my bike and I are going through some sort of weird love affair right now where I can’t wait to get on it and once I do I don’t want to get off.

Stopped by the LaLa because P was there putting in the two sashes that he had fixed. Left him saying I would see him later at Bacchanal. Then I had to do the whole Metairie thing – and gasp – Lakeside Mall. I walked in and there was a guy with a double stroller watching his three year old daughter chase a red balloon – she was having such a good time sending the balloon up in the air that she raised my spirits and braced me against the food court that was between me and the store I was headed towards.

Then was off to pick up G and we headed to Bacchanal where hail hail the gang was all there. It was Bordeauxs of every variety and then E, who had stopped in, said he was off to meet friends and sit around the water and play guitar, so the course of my day shifted and E and I were off to the North Shore. As before when I first met him at Delachaise, E launched into a conversation about what had been on his mind recently – a book about his parents that might shed light on what is the crux of the adult conundrum – how did he put it? it was almost perfect – that adults think they know the answer and rather than give into the uncertainty they fret and strut about with the wrong answers rather than letting go and embracing the mystery of not knowing. I can’t remember exactly how he worded it but it struck me as spot on.

E was saying that he had met people in Florida that he knew just wouldn’t be comfortable being here in New Orleans and that caused him to dismiss them. It’s this post Katrina phenomenon that I am experiencing as well – the Love New Orleans All The Time or Bust feeling that borders on xenophobia or communal communism or something – New Orleans has become more rarified, more striking in her almost demise and we cling to her like ivy to the vine.

Entering Beau Chen, I was reminded of when S lived there with G many many years ago and I had that usual hands clasped firmly around the neck feeling that often comes when I enter a gated community. Walking through the front door, the wreath with silk flowers giving me pause as we tried to escape the sprinkler, E and I instantly had a feeling we had interrupted a set up for him as I had been a last minute addition – but in typical New Orleans fashion, warmth and kisses and hugs welcomed a stranger.

We followed L & C with their daughter – such a beautiful name – Adeline – and L’s friend T and her two kids, B and T and headed to the water and Boar Island. Legend has it that wild boars roam the sandy bar at night but the only ones we saw as we sat in a circle with the gentle gloaming draping around us was the common bore – the drunk wife beater, the family of home schoolers with the 16 year old who is being pushed into marriage rather than education, the philanderer with the girlfriend who sends pictures of her China over his cellphone while the other girlfriend discovers them in the middle of the night.

[Definition of China for those who don’t know – W was asking me one day about babies and how they are born and I said “vagina” and he thought I said “China” and since then it is impossible to refer to it as anything else.]

The red orange ball setting and the full moon rising, we watched the Purple Martins flying overhead forming perfect cut outs against the darkening sky. E strummed the guitar when the head banger music had quieted down. As I grew more familiar with the company, I realized that regardless had I shown up, setups are hardly ever well thought out.

A woman’s waivering voice and shaking hands reminded me of a frail bird – I wanted to catch the bird up in my arms. Later offhand comments like “moneybags isn’t around anymore” and “supposedably” stuck out.

I read later purple martins have become almost completely dependent on humans. The waivering voice reminded me of a purple martin – this woman dependent on the kindness of strangers, of the male variety, looking for shelter against the storm because flying solo forced the entire being to flutter nervously.

And later in bed, I thought about how all we have is now, and I had spent a day in the now, which had been pleasing and delightful, and I thought about boorish behavior vs gentlemanly conduct – how distinct they are – and yet only once you have experienced the boorish can you know the gentlemanly but in isolation they do not stand out as remarkable. And what is that I ask you? Must everything live in contrast for it to be believed or appreciated? Can we only love New Orleans in her almost absence? Is who we are only recognizable in contrast to who we aren’t? Are you a Mexican or a Mexican’t?

If you’re brave enough to live your life as an open book then you have to be prepared for it to be interactive in this postmodern life. When I was married to S and living in a house and working at my job there was little anyone could contribute to the tight knit story except maybe the child issue. But it seems in this single life an entire cadre of onlookers have an opinion about what makes me tick. S believes I have a penchant for hinging on men that offer nothing almost like I want to prove them wrong that they have nothing to offer – an inherent obstinacy. G’s theory is that I am scared to be alone so merging is the goal in and of itself in order not to suffer solitude. T suggested I might be needy and should try to find out what it is I need in order to fill the void. N declares often that I have never been alone so I just don’t know how to act. But I’ll take my mom’s opinion – yesterday after cracking a rib, she was laid up on the sofa with her swollen feet elevated. She had just lit a cigarette and she threw her head back and said, “Investigative Reporter for Wall Street.” I looked at her. “I like that way that sounds,” she said. Then she lifted her head and said, “Honey I am so proud of you. Even if you took away the Investigative Reporter for Wall Street part, I am proud of you. I can remember holding you in my arms. There is nothing like that feeling in the whole world – to be one with your child. I want you to have that in your life.”

My new carpenter is a conundrum – he wants to know every little detail of every little thing – but he is fantastic! He gets it done in the parlance of the day. But he’s only here till mid July then he is off to Michigan – “no reason to stay for summer” – and already walking around the bayou this morning the heat was weighing Arlene and I down like a ball and chain we dragged through the grass.

I’m anxious to get back in my canoe and feel the breeze on the water.

Finally got in my canoe and christened it yesterday and even though the sun was piping hot and it seemed like I was going to fry out there on the bayou – the water cooled the temp down considerably and a nice breeze blew as T and I paddled towards the lake. Ducklings followed mama ducks and adopted mama ducks, herons stood like statues on the banks, mullets jumped out of the water, and a nutria paddled furiously across the bayou. All in all it made me happy to be here and T mentioned that since Katrina it seemed like more people were out and about around the bayou these days. I told him it was likely that it was those displaced great white flight Lakeview people who were now living in our neighborhood and realizing how beautiful it is here along the bayou.

We pulled back up by the LaLa house and C and her husband S were having a picnic – and C was wearing a pink sundress and Lance, dog of mystery, was sitting like a guard dog beside them – they looked like a cutting photograph of Southern renaissance – we pulled the boat out and C said I was lucky to have my house right there and I said “yes” – but a big sigh was inside of me because it is so daunting.

In the part of this universe that we know there is great injustice, and often the good suffer, and often the wicked prosper, and one hardly knows which of those is the more annoying.
– Bertrand Russell

When I saw the NOMA exhibit Katrina Exposed I bought a couple of books from the show – the cover I’ve come to find out is a picture of W’s raft that was here at the Can and when N&B paddled over to get supplies they were handing out stuff to people at the can and J asked if he could have the raft. He is sitting back in the raft with his boots and took the picture of himself – that is the cover and the opening of the show.

Out to eat with G, E and T at Adolpho’s and the talk was about centering yourself with people who believe in New Orleans and are going to work to make this happen. Also talk of staying – maybe not Category 5 staying – but not running to evacuate each time the news escalates.

Meanwhile S writes from Houston where she and M and have relocated to – it’s a girl! So my clan expanding and it seems girls still rule.

Farther away, in San Francisco, S called after his interview – sounds like a good fit for him – they want not only his marketing talents but his design talent too.

Here on the home front – woke late to walk the Bean – ran into T on the bayou going for a run so she stopped and listen to me go on about stuff (think I still had some cocktails in me from last night).

Tonight I take the canoe out for her maiden voyage – T is going to teach me the J stroke – we’ll take champagne to christen Lil Blue.

Subject: HELLO! AWESOME!! FANTABULOUS!! FANTABULOUS!! LADY!!

Dear Ms. Good_Attitude,

Hello. Fantabulous Monday Evening to you. I Really Enjoyed Reading your AWESOME Profile. YOU ARE A AWESOME LADY!!!!

My friend got this from someone who saw her on Match.com – you got to admit it has bravura in spades. Not that she isn’t a fantabulous lady, I mean come on, she totally is.

Took back my life again this morning – got out of bed at 5AM and walked the Bean as dawn’s rosy fingers were still gracing the sky and reflecting into the glassy water of the bayou. Got back early to get on my bike and take a ride out to the lakefront where again I was transported to a better place. Came home and started making my calls – first my upfront television sources – got some news but have to wait on more deals to break. Then to call the window guy to come to the LaLa – and it was starting up again – the wretchedness of yesterday – and he needed to know info from N and it was a meeting that was supposed to happen months ago and R said he could not do what N said he was supposed to do so I put those two in touch with each other and on my next phone call – Orleans Sheet Metal said they were coming out TODAY to give me an estimate and I was like WOO HOO! Phoenix, we have contact.

Again what a difference a day makes. I think it started after I came back from my bike ride and my sister called and I could tell she was all messed up and she started talking about how she had been having spikes of pain again – she had a freak tragic thing happen while at the dentist a few years ago – he hit a nerve and now she has permanent RSDS and partial facial paralysis – the pain was instantly addressed with morphine that took almost two years for her to then wean herself off of and now she is trying other pain medication but it makes her spacey. Anyway, we hardly speak at all because we’ve had our differences since Hector was a puppy, and after this accident she has been incoherent in her emails and angry in her phone calls and it is hard to take particularly from someone who was all friction before anyway. So I try to tell her like it is – you have two choices S – you can be a victim or you can rise above it. And in telling her this daunting pain she has to learn to live with can be overcome, I hear my own words and know that I struggle with my heartache and I fall and get up and fall and get up, but I have been staying up longer and going down less hard each time and I’m speaking the truth. I know she has the power within her to find a way out but she keeps chosing victim – like my tia said “don’t feel sorry for yourself” – pick up the pieces and go on you FANTABULOUS lady, you.

Meanwhile in response to my canoeing entreaty – a friend from California writes and I share with you because it has a wealth of info on paddling alone (ahem):

***

Hi Rachel,

There are some technical hurdles to overcome in order to canoe by yourself that I thought I’d chime in on. (You know me – I’m pretty useless as far as personal hurdles – witness my own tone deafness in my relationship) As a boy scout I had some interest in canoeing and even got my canoeing merit badge. Many of the trials to get the badge required solo canoeing skills.

Any how, to get the canoe across the street and into the water by yourself, use a two wheel dolly like one of these:
http://www.paddleboy.com/pages/End_Carts.html

Put it under the bow and pick up the stern and watch out for cars. Don’t forget to take the wheels off before you slide the canoe into the water.

With the canoe about 3/4 of the way into the water step in front of the back seat with one foot and push off the shore with the other.

The best position for a solo paddler is kneeling about 1/3 of the way from the stern, so you might want a cushion for your knees. If your back gets tired you can scoot back and lean your butt against the front of the back seat, but that will cause the bow to ride kind of high out of the water.

Paddling in a straight line is the hardest part. If you just paddle a straight stroke you’ll start curving off to the opposite side you’re paddling on. To go straight as a solo paddler you need to use some version of the J stroke as described on the following web sites:
http://www.ehow.com/how_11363_j-stroke-canoe.html

http://www.gregcons.com/canoe/techniques_strokes.htm

***

So I bought the Tomato paddleboy and a life jacket for the Bean – I had bought human life jackets when I got the paddles at Sports Authority on Sunday.

Then since it is upfront season and I’m busy – I am doing old home week and caught up with a dear source in Los Angeles who said “I’m 46 and going home to my 4 and 6 year old boys every night is the highlight of life. They are the joy of my life and I couldn’t be more blessed.” He also said in listening to a radio program the other day on personal finances the question was “what makes you happy?” and a caller chimed in and said “I just tell myself I am happy and I am” – we both agreed it is the only way to proceed.

Then one of my colleagues signed me up for a pole dancing class – fabulous you say – no fantabulous! So end of the month – up in NY – I will be releasing my feral self and addressing the pole. Excerpt from the class curriculum: This class takes the art of striptease dance to the next level while you experience a steel pole partner of pleasure just waiting for you to spin and glide your way around the the pole.

God, save me from myself – canoeing, dancing on a pole, renovating a house, la la la la la…….

And my Tao for the day – #71

Not-knowing is true knowledge.
Presuming to know is a disease.
First realize that you are sick;
then you can move toward health.

I ended the evening having a meeting with G about our product. Then she was off to Snug to hear Tom McDermott. I was content to be holed up here in my “despressing” apartment as G also referred to it. I left a message to see if T wanted to go canoeing.

The devil is in the details…………..

Set out this morning to walk the Bean and it was a pleasant morning with a nice breeze blowing some teeny tiny white caps in the bayou. I caught up with L and the boys and my pleasant morning started heading south – got in a spat over a past spat and realized that I am incapable of going back on anything anymore – I want all new and fresh issues coming in – the old has grown so tired in so many ways. I’m ready to be done with it. But I couldn’t convince L of that.

Had a crazy busy day at work and then had to run over to the LaLa because the alarm guy ran the motion detector through the clerestory window – we got to talking and he told me that he has never seen anything like what is going on – he said there are all these people working on houses that don’t know a damn thing about anything and the good ones cost a fortune and he said his own son in law who is good but who was doing work on his house screwed it all up because he had three guys working for him who weren’t worth a damn – “my own son in law, Rachel” the guy tells me. And it is the big WHATYAGONNADO?

Meanwhile had a quick bite with D and we got caught up on everything. Her daughter L has moved back from SF with child about to join us and so she’s happy to have her in the city but she said driving here and seeing how bad midcity looks she got very depressed – I said “oh I deal with this every day so I don’t notice the bad anymore I just see the tiny white caps on the bayou and the abundance of butterflies (some big as bats!)” – then she came up to my apartment at the Can and said “oh my god Rachel I would be so depressed if I lived here” and I said “really?” – I guess I have gotten used to boxes and not having my stuff and just living the weird and freaky life I forgot to notice that things aren’t normal – well hell – they aren’t normal – but I’m getting so used to that I’m not sure if I can re-enter norm.

She said B had been so excited about S and I possibly getting back together and she said her opinion was that it was not meant to be – “nothing has changed with you two” – and I said, well we came to that realization on our own. Then she talked about how things were with her and B and she said I just love doing things for him – his laundry, taking care of his bills for the business, etc. – she said “that’s how I love, Rachel” and I said with tears in my eyes “oh yeah, I know how that works.”

More work and then the gym – where for some stupid reason I played a playlist that was old and didn’t remember what was on there and so the first thirty minutes on the elipitcal were me and my tears gushing out like a fountain of sorrow and finally the endorphins kicked in and I was able to make the last 15 minutes count and by the time I entered the class and did another hour I was better. Much better.

But then I wanted to call it a night but J is in town and I didn’t want to not go because of her and so I mustered all my energy and smiles and went despite feeling tangled up in blue – and I still want to take a fucking canoe ride – what does it take?

Is it okay to ask a guy to take a canoe ride with you if you just want his company? – the jury is out on this one – there are books that have been given to me about what you are supposed to do and when – there are friends who coach you on what you should do or not do or say or not say right at this juncture – and there are those who know your soul and say you’re too raw honey, don’t get close but if you want a canoe ride that might be okay – there are those who might want what you want and so change the dynamic – suddenly asking a guy into your canoe becomes an exercise in some dating ritual that I would like to avoid – so unless he has done x y z – and I’m just not quite sure I remember what x is or y or z is – and because I don’t know the rules and I never did but now I wonder if I should – meanwhile my canoe is resting against my fence with my paddles in my truck – and N says she’ll take a canoe ride with me this week so that I don’t go without anymore. The canoe is not built for one. Maybe what I need to do is get the kayak and quit trying to fit a square peg in a round hole since that doesn’t ever work anyway.

And although I thought we were passed this point S managed to send me an email that got me further into my funk and he followed it with a forward of an email from A who sent photos of D and the kids – all three – the new one and the other two – O is now 6 – D and I were pregnant at the same time for the first time – and when I miscarried she came to my house and sat on the stairs with me and cried – she was the only one who acknowledged the grief and for that I thank her. As far as sending me the email today on this wretched day I realized that some people will never ever know the pain of not having a child – they may have other pain but they will never know what it is to have lost that opportunity – and so you realize that the distance between someone you love and loving yourself is so vast that freightliners can’t make their way across the divide and only you possess the power to right the wrong.

Late yesterday, I took the Bean for a walk – it was warm and sunny and we were bounding along the bayou and ran into L with the dogs. We walked a ways – I was trying to update him on some cross conversations I had been having with mutual friends and the conversation turned inward to some issues that we have had recently. I viewed it as some sort of stalemate – like when I was telling my other friend L, who is a nurse, that I felt a certain way about someone and she said “get over it, because there is nothing there” and it was akin to a snap to the brain. In other words, why wallow in what was, could have been, or wasn’t if it is no longer part of the landscape and therefore dead weight?

As we stood on the corner of Ursulline and North Rendon, deep in conversation, R drove by and yelled “come to my party!” – now mind you, I had blown off G and going to Bacchanal, and had really wanted to go canoeing but didn’t have a partner at the ready to go with me and the canoe is too heavy for me alone, so I was looking forward to a night in, not a party, but I walked down to where R said to come – wondering why he was at a house on Ursulline and turned out he had just bought it a few months ago. I met M, his wife, for the first time and their 10-month-old blue saucer eyed daughter J. The house is gorgeous – on one of the most beautiful streets with large, tall ceiling rooms – two master suites in back – large bathrooms – just fabulous. Never mind that I had walked by the LaLa and felt when Arlene tugged to go there it was a manifestation of my tug to be in there – I felt the tug stronger this time than any other. So R and I caught up on what has been going on – he asked how my husband is and I said he was, we are getting a divorce and he is already back in California and R ran his hand through his hair and looked me in the eye and said, “I’m so sorry, Rachel” and I caught myself from letting the flood gates open by biting my lip as hard as I could – I told M how when we graduated from college, R, N and my friend C all had a graduation party together at Monsters and had Johnny Jay and the Hit Man play.

That seems so so so long ago. Now Monsters is called Grits.

On the way home, I ran into T sweeping his front yard – H&T are considering buying his house – I stopped and talked to him because he has accepted a position at another university and is moving in August. He seemed anxious the house wasn’t selling and he said he had told his wife “we are moving through something here, just need to relax and breathe through it” – I laughed and said “oh do I know what you mean – I am moving through some powerful force right now and I am trying to breathe.” I ran home and told H&T that he is desperate to sell and to bite on this house now.

Later, I exchanged emails with S and told him fuck face had used my name again and he said “maybe we do a class action suit?” I reminded him of what N had said when he first encountered her blog and text me while S and I were sitting at Taqueria Corona eating a fish taco – “why is she entitled?” – using our name, our story, a blog. How sad for her.

And the Tao reading last night: Number 69

The generals have a saying:
“Rather than make the first move
it is better to wait and see.
Rather than advance an inch
it is better to retreat a yard.”

This is called
going forward without advancing
pushing back without using weapons.

There is no greater misfortune
than underestimating your enemy.
Underestimating your enemy
means thinking that she is evil.
Thus you destroy your three treasures
and become an enemy yourself.

When two great forced oppose each other,
the victory will go
to the one who knows how to yield.

——–

And that is why this morning I said whatyagonnado about these things you have no control over – just leave them to lie in a fallow yard. Leave the lawsuits to the petty world of lawyers, and remember what is small is easy to scatter and what is recent is easy to correct, and again, I whisper – proceed with love.