Dangermond.org

I reached a saturation point with people – too many special interests, none can be ultimately satisfied, and so it turns back to the task at hand – the core. The core is still weak but getting stronger. (Thank you Joseph Pilates.) N&B are back and Renny’s happy but it was nice to get one last walk this morning in with L and just go over all the laundry list of what needs repeating or looked at from yet one more pov. I think about this back in NO thing and how good it really feels way deep down to the core. But today is a bless-ed morning, slept in my bed last night – after many three dog nights – with Arlene spooning me and playdate this morning with only her in tow was a breeze – I felt lightfooted and a lightness of heart. L said that K’s response was “if you gave us a chance, we would be awesome” – god I love that girl. My favorite was when L said, yeah, you have a thing for 50-year-olds but what about when I’m 65 and you still have a thing for 50-year-olds and I’m not 50 and she responded “will your character have changed? because that is what I am attracted to” – where did this girl come from? She’s 20 going on 50.

Maybe I should get K to come over here and be my wife because after being one for so many years I realize the value in it and greatly desire someone to do my laundry, cook and clean, rub my back, carry my emotional weight, plan my social calendar, bookkeep, buy my underwear, keep in touch with my family and remember their birthdays – would that be just so great? And I would be very appreciative – I’d buy her little gifts or simply bring her a nosegay of wildflowers after my walks, I’d tell her she is beautiful every day, I’d kiss the small of her back and would not neglect other parts of her body for the sake of breasts and China — hands to rub, feet to massage, nape to scruff, and top of thighs where she might not have to shave but have a little down anyway that is worth lightly rubbing fingers across.

K intrigues me, she’s like my altar younger ego – more articulate than I must have been back then – but as focused and engaged as I ever was because like her I love loving – it brings out the best in me. My footnote to K is not to lose that quality – EVER – even though it will become jaded (a little) – but can’t help feeling like I might should warn her she’ll find herself wanting not to be taken for granted after she’s sprinkled and spread that sumptuous, sensuous, golden love among the people especially after some of the key ones react unphased as if it weren’t nothing special.

I’d like to circle back with her when she gets to that point because I think I could tell her a thing or two that might right her course again.

So S is concerned that he’s fighting a ghost and while I don’t discount anything she tells me and it makes me sad to hear what she has to say sometimes, I think she too is fighting the ghost of C past. C (or D as she covertly refers to him) was rank bad, and she knew something was not right but was still blindsided, think she can’t forgive herself or him. She has never gotten over what he did no more than L has gotten over what P did and it’s possibly and probable that neither will. To this I say pishaw – leave it go. How many times have I told L you have to drop it before it poisons you – proceed with love and it will lighten your step. Besides it’s hard to beat a ghost in battle – go ahead write the farewell letter, post it or burn it, but dissipate the pall.

It’s amazing how many friends you require to field things in technicolor – I wonder how S survives with so few.

N resigned today cuz B finally called with the green light – Thunderbirds R Go! The architect plan coming together, the house maybe a few months away, the groove finally righting itself…oh the places you will go…

What do you say to your 50 year old friend when he tells you that he is fucking a woman with a fake ID – carpe diem or watch yourself? Neither, you tell him how convention has never satisfied you even though you and everyone you know seeks to have it and hold it with both hands clenched. Let’s say you love someone but you look down across maybe a decade and have a good hunch the years will not unfold in the tidy package you’d like the years delivered to you, does that stop you from following bliss right now?

My other friend S, a few years shy of 50, asked me the same question – she’s not concerned with what happens at the 55/45 equation, she’s more concerned about the 65/55 one – that gives her almost two decades to find out – seems to me she should take the plunge, no? What did Joseph Campbell mean by follow your bliss – is it right now, which will lead to all goody or is it as long as it fits into the plan and of course, then there is the which plan?

How does L expect me with three dogs in tow, actually one’s a puppy still training on the leash, on a not so hot August morning to even begin to give him advice when for the life of me I’m still digesting Rick’s cost of $725 plus $200+ in cash and how that could have bought one of those nice ceiling fans, and craving Wednesday morning when I will wake up in my bed, with one dog, alone. It is with puerile pleasure I listen in on my friends’ love entanglements because L does deserve someone to fawn over him so that he can heal but 5x in 4 days makes me think his healing path is golden, and I can hear in S’s tone that she does indeed like M – she repeats it as if to make sure she is hearing herself correctly. And L worries what his crew will think and S worries about hers but in the end knowing how it will be received only makes it that much more compelling.

“I’m just worried that I will walk into a get together with a 21 year old and people will shake their heads,” L said, adding one year to K’s actual age.

“I feel like I walk in with a man who is 5’7″ and me over 6′ with my heels and people think, he must have something,” S says, winking.

Meanwhile, hovering over the landscape of love is S and his almost $1000 fix in Rick’s champagne room with two strippers who said, “I told them it was my birthday.” And I responded I’m sure they wanted to make it “special” for you.

So August begins…

Unfortunately not in Marin and as Oscar Wilde says – the only thing to do with temptation is to yield to it – again and again. 36 hours of no celebration makes it difficult to remember what the temptation was in the first place. It could have something to do with the petite nun who walks by just as we are leaving playdate. More than likely temptation is always there but in different guises – “you were there?” – yes, as a matter of fact.

Trying to retrace the steps but they are starting to blur, was it that long ago, or recently? Four (five) times this month I have attempted to become emphemeral and thought huh, look at that, and then poof you crawl back inside your own body and take comfort there. Twice I have had a visceral pang.

Jake may need a helmet but that is not so bad.

Renny turns needy when Zeus is here. What is it with these elders that are jealous of the needs of the youngers – haven’t they had enough?

Cig at 4AM in keeping with the derelict life that is expected of you here. Tortured dinner and a quick drop off. Let me guess? Off to Rick’s to console yourself with unfamiliar ass. I was hoping at 3:30 this morning for an objective observer to just crash on in and say, yeah you’re right, you don’t have to accept selfish behavior yet again. Disappointment over a present. What I would have said to S at 2:30 is it could all be goody if you could just reign in the myopic selfishness – at 6:15 with three dogs pulling in different directions and no help in sight, I fell back to thinking if S was standing in front of me all I’d say is “fuck you.”

There was rain and lots of it. Morning off to a sweet start then crisis disrupts the rhythm. The dogs are barking because they all three want the tennis ball and there is only one. L is ready for his nubile houseguest to go – worried about how it looks from the outside but more than that knows how it looks from the inside. Waiting for B to give the green light and as usual the waiting becomes the focus. Woman this morning said it must have been hard to leave California – no, it wasn’t. In fact, not eager to leave here even for temporary travel. D said all her friends are moving away because it is so expensive there – told her time to make new friends – she said she’s too old. 36? Since when is that old. And yet they killed the big alligator in Pointe Noir because village people have been disappearing. Like it’s a bad thing. Severina impressed by W’s affection towards me – why not? We’ve always had a special bond. People want things in consistent hard fast categories to feel in control of their own lives. It’s an illusion. J said this morning he’s never seen it like this – so many misses – we’ve been here before I told him. Why do some things feel so right – even when they’re aren’t?