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I realize this low grade anxiety about my financial future is not just my own – it’s a sign of the times. I was reading the NYT about several of the Tea Party initiatives and also about that person who I will not name’s call to “Reload” and I don’t want to get stuck on the obvious – that members of the Tea Party are shallow reductivists or that great things don’t come from challenging times.

Part of the conversation last night among friends was my own inability to understand my journey here – along such conventional routes and yet I fancy myself so unconventional – not. Three marriages, the good daughter, the responsible one – I ask you where was my open letter to go out and explore difference and radically shake up your notion of the world – I’ve stayed within the confines of the familiar to do my jazzing around. Boring!

Even with my blog, I can remember the first impulse was to write the truth and nothing but and along the way I started encountering collateral damage of my truth because it included their truth and so I had to start confining the truth to what was unharmful musings. Alas, my kingdom for the truth, my blog for some neutral soul searching and wider understanding of nature, more particularly mine.

The most I can hope for is that the best days lie ahead of me and that the fiery spirit inside of me will meet its call to action in the service of others, where my mind keeps heading these days more and more readily, but that it doesn’t have to be done in a conventional way that would cause a shake up to my family and our comfort, but rather that it could be accretive and soulful and meaningful and purposeful and these are the things I dream about – and to you who shall not be named in my blog EVER – Reload  takes on not the warrior’s chant that you intend it for, but rather the big thinkers – the Ghandi, the King, the Mandela – the radical purposeful meaningful change that this very angry country needs to heal itself from having spun out of control with industries that do not serve us (food, energy, education, healthcare), and the engines that have failed us (Wall Street, politics, religions), and laws that do not help us (anti-immigration, anti-gay, corporate tax breaks).

Perhaps this low grade anxiety is a good thing because it is the spark of something bigger and more powerful than anything I already know.

This entry was posted on Sunday, October 17th, 2010 at 8:50 am and is filed under Main. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.