The real letter to mom
Mom:
Sorry to keep having the same recurrent argument with you and I don’t like fighting or being estranged so I want to put an end to this dance. But I want you to know that I’m just frustrated. The way I see things is you are getting to a period in your life where the next years are about trying to strike a balance between feeling safe (physically, emotionally, financially) and staying healthy and relatively happy. I have my opinions as to how to modify certain areas of your life and you have your opinions, but we diverge too widely on what to do.
The problem is age old with us because I continue to hear from you that you need help and yet when I attempt a solution, you shut me down and I end up feeling frustrated and angry and so I keep my distance and leave you to your own devices, and then everything is hunky dory for a time but pretty soon the cycle starts up all over again. This cycle has been in effect pretty much our entire life. When I moved to California, the distance helped to ameliorate a lot of this but since I’ve been back home, I feel we are steeped in the old ritual that doesn’t serve me or us.
The reason why it is more amplified now is that I have legitimate concerns about your well-being – from your living alone to your health and material soundness, which all in my opinion require attention now to modify them. I love you, which is why I try to nudge you to a path that will ensure you are living well and that when issues come up in the future, we will be prepared to meet any challenges together. I get frustrated when you don’t accept my invitation to sit down and find a solution and yet don’t offer up your own solution to the issues arising now or even provide a plan for issues that will come up in the near future.
But you have your life to live your way and must thrive or not based on your own choices and decisions. I need to back off and let you be. So that is what I’m going to do. I am not going to try to plan for your wellbeing or try to insinuate my help, plans, organization, or whatever onto you. I’d rather us meet and participate in a more neutral relationship.
However, I do have a request and that is I don’t want to be pulled into topics where I don’t feel comfortable just being a bystander. Your economic well-being and your health and your safety are all matters in your control, not mine. What you do about them is the consequence of your choices and I am not going to allow myself to feel responsible about the outcomes of your decisions.
I’m leaving some literature here on Medicaid that I pulled off the web and also an article on depression.
Love, R