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Last night, we were talking about films, books and poetry and all things interesting as we sat on the porch. Here in New Orleans on February 7 (Chinese New Year btw), we are experiencing incomparable temperate weather and star washed skies. As we talked about these things, I thought about how I’ve been steeped in revelry for a while now, and suspect I am due some film time, novel time, poetry time to recover the riches spent. 

We went to bed early and I woke at 2AM preoccupied with character – mainly mine and a few of those around me – in this play we are all in at the moment, this moment in time – and I was trying to catch a glimpse of what I might look like to those around me – and I thought of someone who has her head in the clouds and doesn’t seem to live in the concrete world that I inhabit – I thought of someone else and wondered what character they were playing in this drama – and I thought about the absurdity of ever knowing that our actions are going to lead to a desired outcome – how can we know? – we only say afterwards, we are lucky, or cursed, depending on which way the drama unfolds. 

This morning, I ran into Gomez and he suggested another book to me – On Chesil Beach by Ian McEwan – netting it down to how there is that one moment in time when your path takes a slight turn and everything is different.

Again, we don’t want a divining rod to tell us what is next, it will all be revealed as J is want to say, but you want to understand why you were moved off center by someone, and it can’t help make you cautious when someone else moves you, and you start wondering why you seem so movable to begin with as if you are flimsy or overly tuned to changes in the current – as if chemistry were your own lab experiment and you keep mixing all this stuff together in the big vial and BAMMO or WOW or whatever the alchemy is what comes out of it – you’re suddenly transformed and a slight step to the left or to the right finds you veering in a new direction, with new thoughts, and new hopes, desires, dreams – but what about all those thick dreams that woke you crying in the past, or left you longing in the early morning (the madrugada), or tugged and tugged and tugged till you felt that you had a ball and chain you had to drag around. And you felt conspicuous, as if everyone knew your weakness or knows it now. 

What about the dream the other night that someone had stolen my briefcase with all my important papers and identification? Identity theft – now who are you dreaming about? Who are you tipping towards and away from? Who are you really – this flimsy character? Or a big strong girl with big beating heart unbreakable, resilient, bending towards the light? For survival.  

Here was my affirmation today:

Today I embrace the darkness and I willingly bring light into the dark places of my life. As my light expands, I stand more fully in the truth of my wholeness, and the seeming darkness is dispelled. I always have access to light.

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 7th, 2008 at 9:52 am and is filed under Main. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.