I practice controlling my thoughts and therefore my life experiences.
Last night, I took Jake home after we had spent a lovely evening together. For his birthday, I got him a raincoat with flames on it and rainboots and an umbrella and even sunglasses with flames. Then for his holiday gift I got him a race car. She shoots, she scores was the theme of my gifts with him this year. We lit the menorahs – the 7th night – with friends from the hood and all basked in the glow of the candles.
I had a heavy heart yesterday – in being myself I caused my lover to run from me like flames were licking at their feet. Ah, what a way to be – causing terror wherever you go – being too much whatever.
I wound up finding out that a friend is pregnant with twins – it’s early – but I wish both of those tiny little rice kernel babies become fully formed and join us here.
I got the right gift for J too – she told me the story a while back of someone who placed a silver plaque – a small one – in the tree over by the turn in the bayou. It said FAITH – but over the years the tree had grown over the plaque and now all you can see is AITH. She said when she was really going through a rough patch she came across it for the first time and it inspired her to keep plugging. So when I saw in the Sundance catalog a bracelet with a silver plaque that said FAITH – I knew what I was getting her for Christmas.
I’m getting it right most of the time. It’s just my heart that is my most vulnerable organ – I had it all nice and hardened up – no roads in, remember? – and then without any warning, someone drove a flaming tractor trailer through it and kept going – a total hit and run, leaving me with a big gaping hole. So yesterday I put out some orange cones, and today, I’m making asphalt as fast as I can. I should have the hole patched up in no time. The road blocks will once again find their place before the next joker, who thinks they stand a chance of passing the toll gate without paying, comes along.
The heavy lifting – it’s just fucking constant around here.