Walk that Walk of Love
Yesterday, I challenged others to keep their hearts open and by the afternoon, I was put to the test. As a Teacher of Love, I first have to be a student and so when the phone rang, with that old familiar ring tone, my heart leapt at first, but I did not answer. Sty was calling, [ringtone: Anthony Hamilton’s Cool] saying he has struggled without me, saying he is sorry for whatever it was I think (read: know) he did, and he loves me still and could I please, please call and just talk it out, give him a chance to explain.
I felt torn, because my heart is tender towards him, and perhaps he was just behaving in a way that has worked for him in the past, even though it simply does not work for me. I thought about in how parenting Tin I’ve learned to be firm and fair. Loving even when I don’t like. And so here was my test, could I take this man who brought me such love and joy and ignore him. Ignore his message that said he was missing me, loving me, and suffering? That felt heartless, not loving.
But, I wanted to protect me too. One side of me said, “He did me wrong” while the other loving side of me said, “He did me good many times.” I had to remember who this man was for me – where he came from in my cosmic story – what the intersection of him and me was about – and I had to admit that I too, missed him.
Never you mind, I do miss him, but I am getting over him because he stepped out on me, which I cannot abide, but also because our investment into each other’s future looked very different from what we invested in the now. So I sent him a text after all, a loving but firm message from my open heart.
This was my text to him:
Sty – thanks for calling – I do miss you and feel your heart and body are imprinted on my heart and body. I do not want to rehash that weird night and I’m sorry that you feel you were not given a chance to explain. The truth is you awakened my heart but I want something different – I want a man who only wants me – I’m a jealous woman and that won’t change. I don’t want to talk right now – I’m just healing my heart and I’d rather more time before we speak again. I hope you understand and know that I am grateful for the love we shared and want nothing but the best for you.
Sent from my iPhone
In the end, I had to go back to being a student of love. How do you balance love of self with love of others? What is love? Does it have a time limit? If you only love for three months, does love go away after that? If a person loves to his or her capacity, is that not love?
Remember my axiom: Meet people were they are at, even if where they are at, is not where it’s at. [copyright: me]
Sty did not respond. But he knows my heart is true – to him and most importantly, to me.
March 4th, 2015 at 1:30 pm
Bridgett: Well this did happen to me with my first love. I wasn’t good enough so he went on with another girl n forgot to tell me lol. Still I wanted him back, well eventually when he was good n ready he came back to me like no time had pass. My young heart couldn’t say no, I can still remember that true love I always felt with him. We were on, he left for boot camp we were off, n so I thought, when he came back he couldn’t wait to see me yes we were back on. Of course, I didn’t know the facts until later on. He lied to me n used me calling it love. We were together over 4 years before he left….he came back only writing me 2 letters over the 4 years he was gone, both saying we should move on cuz the distance was to hard on him. Truth he moved to a place with her once boot camp was over. I eventually gave up but my heart did not n I dated guys but always stayed available for him Just in case. Well that day came n all too soon it would leave again. We started seeing each other n he told me about the other girl. I was crushed but happy that I won him back…it must be true love. Well he left again…this time I tried ending my life because the pain I couldn’t bare. So yes I still love him until this day but I love me more! It’s not even a thought in my head to ever be with him again….no matter my love for him. Plus I have the best husband, father ever lol. I believe I needed to learn to feel pain, a huge amount, so later on I could realize what a blessing P is in my life. Because these past 17 years haven’t always been easy, it’s a lot of work to stay together as a family. If not for the bad times many, many years ago, I might’ve not fought so hard for the family I have today. To know love, one must know pain. I say some people are meant to be loved from a distance. No matter what we want from them. Protect yourself, love yourself….
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Rachel Dangermond Bridgett – I concur. We have all given our hearts to someone who misused it, but the challenge I continue to believe is to remain open to love (all while learning to love ourselves). I still love all the men and women I loved before, but I still love me more. In loving your P, you are both loving you more and loving.
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Sarah: LOVE
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Bridgett: I know that was long winded lol But I wanted u to know I’m with ya….I love ME the most! I have to so i can love others especially my boy. I didn’t always love me….
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Rachel Dangermond None of us did Bridgett – there is a crisis in the West and it is a crisis of loving. The Dalai Lama dumbed down his talks to Westerners because he had never encountered so many who do not love themselves, so his message became simply “love and kindness” = we all have had to learn to love ourselves.
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Tracey: We have All had that KINDA man! You love, you lose pieces of yourself but you let the bruising heal and then you MUST open your heart back up to LOVE and when you find it, if you find it, hold on to it and fight like for it.
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Bridgett: It’s so true….they forgot to teach us to love ourselves…agree 100%. It took 40 years to figure out I didn’t love me like I loved my family. We were taught to love others but not once to love ourselves. I’m breaking that cycle with my son. He talks negative about himself sometimes n I don’t allow it. I show him differently. I went to group therapy so I could learn this self love stuff cuz I didn’t know how to start lol.
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Bridgett: That’s the hard part Tracey. But know u deserve the best Rachel Dangermond cuz u are a fantastic person.
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Rachel Dangermond We all deserve love .
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