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A friend stopped by for dinner last night as she was getting ready to leave on sabbatical. Before my new roommate had returned with the sushi, she asked, “So, are you dating?” I almost let out a laugh, as in, what kind of question is that? But then I had to remember, she dates. She usually has multiple lovers and so perhaps it is not a question out of the ordinary for her to ask.

I’ve spent my entire life in serial monogamy – I’ve lived with three lovers and married three lovers and had one lover with whom I never lived. The shortest time spent cohabitating was two years and the longest was nearly 16. I have not dated in my life. I had boyfriends in high school, usually for about a year and then we’d break up almost without passing a word between us – as if the relationship just dissolved into the next one. I had a blind date with a Jewish guy who took me to the submarine races (wink wink nudge nudge) when I was in my late teens. I’ve had crushes. I’ve had one night stands with one much older and a couple of much younger lovers. I dated a guy off and on for about a year in 2007. And I was asked and went out with a guy twice in late 2007.

That is the history of my dating life. It ain’t much.

My friends who live up north suggested I go online to date and I thought about what that would look like: SWF, of a certain age, completely bald, with a young son, and in precarious financial condition seeks _____? There was a period of time where I worried that being over 50, having no hair, and having a young child would be a deterrent to dating, but then I realized I don’t even know what dating is. I never have. I marry. I love. I don’t date.

I’ve always been friends with the lovers in my life.

My horoscope the other day said:

Aug 26, 2014
Taurus
A romantic situation is developing right under your nose. It could be with your current sweetie, but it’s just as likely to be someone new and unexpected — so keep your eyes (and heart) wide open!

The truth is that my heart is wide open. It usually is. Recently, I had a dream where I called an ex and told him that I loved and love and will always love him. I was pouring out this “love” letter to him on the phone and when I woke I wondered why. I told my friend last night about this and she said she had the same connection with an ex of hers as well.

Recently, friends who have fallen in love stopped by and I watched them together – the glow of love drawing a bubble around them. Their love seemed foolish and yet, mysteriously hopeful. This morning when I was walking Stella, I was humming and singing Erykah Badu’s Next Lifetime where she says:

I guess I’ll see you next lifetime
No hard feelings
I guess I’ll see you next lifetime
I’m gon’ be there

It made me think of our conversation last night and the dream I had had. Perhaps it is a divine spark that leads to love at first sight as has happened often in my relationships. You know this person, and you are working through something in this lifetime together, something that began in another lifetime. And perhaps these profound loves of ours are the ones that we have loved over and over in many lifetimes [see: Only Lovers Left Alive by Jim Jarmusch].

My therapist averred profound love emanates from the lover. It doesn’t reside with the beloved, it is within us to have that capacity to love another.

This morning as I rounded the bayou, I wondered if perhaps I have met all my old lovers from other lifetimes and the next one would be someone entirely new. I wondered if my friend who is going through so much hardship with her current relationship is experiencing this – this is the first lifetime she and her love have met and so that is why it is so jarring because they are having to learn about each other from scratch.

I know at this point in my life I’m not going to become a dater. I have too many friends who are experts in the field and not one bit of it appeals to me. If I’m going on a “date” it is because I am interested in you and usually if I am interested in you and you in me, that leads to something else. That sort of thinking is dangerous and scary to a lot of people. They want to test the waters for a while, but my life experience has taught me that you know. And a good friend of mine is want to say that a woman knows if she can be with a man within a second of meeting him. Maybe it’s better to say I’m not dating, but I’m friending and if one of those friends crosses over to a lover, so be it. I’m open, heart and soul.

As for my past loves, I’ll see them next lifetime.

This entry was posted on Thursday, August 28th, 2014 at 8:36 am and is filed under Main. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.