The Reluctant Heart
I had to wash the sheets this morning because R was coming to clean up and I noticed that the feather bed has two indentations – one large one from me and one small one from Arlene. That whole other side of the bed is bouyant, weightless. I think I need to change sides every now and then so the bed doesn’t list to the right, or is it the left? I want to get a king size bed for my bedroom in the LaLa but that would mean I would have to shift three times, left, right and middle to keep the bed even.
It was a beautiful day here today – sort of like early spring. The Ides of March today. R came with her mother and said that they were going to move back into her house in two weeks. Her house had about four feet of water. She said there is still so much to do.
L and I had a couple of long talks today and I was perhaps harsh towards him when he might have needed more sympathy. His men friends keep corroborating certain assumptions he has that I find one-sided and unyielding. I would hope and believe I don’t see men the same way they sometimes see women. Are we trying to have it both ways? Perhaps, but I reminded him that women still do most of the heavy lifting when there are children involved and that women still underearn men by a wide margin even in my industry. So if men occasionally have to drive or pick up the tab more oft than not, is that not acceptable? The argument about the way things are just leads you to the way things are – if you accept is that complicitness or does it save you resentment? I would hope that I see men as people in all their complexities – the lapdog and the lion – but I guess sometimes I am guilty of being a girl and wanting it both ways and at the same time wanting men to possess that mysterious otherness.
G called to make a date with me on Saturday – we talked about what we might do and decided to be spontaneous. It reminded me of my buddy D’s boyfriend B, who when S called to ask him to meet for lunch, he said he had all this stuff to do on the boat and go to the gym and S said well, can’t you be spontaneous? And B responded, “I could be spontaneous if you gave me a little notice.” D – before C – they were all mimbos.
Since R was vacuuming from the minute she walked in, I took the Bean down to the courtyard and made some of my phone calls from there. The sun was shining and the air was cool, almost crisp, a feeling hard to come by in New Orleans. But there were still workers running around in white haz mat suits going about the tending of the first floors of the three front buildings that flooded. Even on a gorgeous day like today, there are always constant reminders that 7 months ago this city was under water.
H down the hall took my UPS packages in for me and when I went to knock on his door, he said come in. He was laying on the couch surfing the television. I think he was tight or stoned or something. He still hasn’t found work since getting laid off. He says he still doesn’t know what to do after 23 years of working in the same place. I took my packages and left him there, smiling, and felt like telling him good luck but that seemed trite.
I’ve found some renewed energy with work – I guess I have a lot of time to invest in it these days – but speaking to my sources who are scattered across the country, they always want to know news of here. I tell them things are getting better every day – cause they are – but – I guess there is no but – we are getting stronger every day. Resilience is not just for children, adults, hell entire communities seem to possess the ability to bounce back – to pick up the pieces and go on.
I dreamt last night I was wearing a long pink nightgown – but I was supposed to be in evening wear and had forgot when I showed up at the big event – I kept wondering in my dream if anyone would notice, if I could pass in the hot pink and at a certain point, I said what the hell and walked in the door. When asked what is my best quality – I said fearless.
My contractor is MIA but J told me they were going to put the roof on the addition to the LaLa – I walked by this morning and he was getting out of his truck and I said hi and he said good morning without turning. He then stopped me and asked if I wanted one of those shelves like, like, like that architect said, and I said S? and he said no the other architect across town – and I said N? and he said yes, he puts these shelves up and you have 9 feet, do you want one? And I said yeah, whatever. I’m not even sure what he is talking about but there it is.
What’s good about the last two days is that a couple of people I am close to called because they weren’t okay, and I realized that maybe the phone calls asking if I am okay had finally subsided. I take that as a good sign as my reluctant heart keeps moving forward.