Clarity comes through knowing the heart
I walked into a house for sale the other day and someone had left a fortune cookie fortune on the refrigerator that said, “Follow your heart and you’ll be happy.”
So that is what I’ve been doing. I’ve signed up for a seminar in Berkeley to train as a facilitator for workshops on race. I have a press pass for a conference here in New Orleans on race and education. And another community meeting on race and kids coming up. I spoke with an attorney this morning about legislation in Louisiana regarding transracial adoption. All of this is where my heart is and that is what is making me happy. Or as a friend said, “You are glowing.”
Then today, while an ex colleague was running the Boston Marathon I got word there had been an explosion, that it was horrible, and so I called to check on her and thank god she was safe, but no one had heard from her sister yet. Then later, her sister had checked in and was safe. In one instant, a big event like the Boston Marathon that people train for years to complete and everyone comes out to support turned into a nightmare. I turned on the news but then quickly turned it off and said a prayer for the families of this tragedy and said a word of thanks that my son and loved ones are safe. The heart can only take so much.
I drove home from Tin’s school later and passed many lots and houses and one thing led to another, and before you knew it I was going to see one house, and then driving by another house all the way across town, and then decided to drive by a house I had seen the other day and came across a huge lot for sale and all of this set my brain into overdrive – this or that, or can I? Should I? What if? I know I don’t want to keep renting because it seems like my money is going into a bucket with a hole in it, but at the same time looking for a place has me disillusioned and discouraged. I feel like I would know what my heart wants when I saw it – today I came close – a preservationist had remodeled a shotgun Uptown with love, and it was close, but no cigar (plus I’m not a fan of Uptown).
I went to Chickie Wah Wah to hear Evan play but ended up bailing after a few songs – it was just time to come home and be with me, myself and I.
My heart sometimes needs rest when the world is too much with me.
Mule Heart
On the days when the rest
have failed you,
let this much be yours —
flies, dust, an unnameable odor,
the two waiting baskets:
one for the lemons and passion,
the other for all you have lost.
Both empty,
it will come to your shoulder,
breathe slowly against your bare arm.
If you offer it hay, it will eat.
Offered nothing,
it will stand as long as you ask.
The little bells of the bridle will hang
beside you quietly,
in the heat and the tree’s thin shade.
Do not let its sparse mane deceive you,
or the way the left ear swivels into dream.
This too is a gift of the gods,
calm and complete.~ Jane Hirschfield ~
(The Lives of the Heart)