Bizarre
W asked me to define bizarre yesterday afternoon – if he had been older I would have said uh, you are tangentially connected to the bizarre right now – the bizarre context in which we are all connected. So as it stacks up right now – S and I spent yesterday with poison spears traveling cross country and by evening were able to call a truce and should the decision be that I walk from LaLa and he lives there – then I will do everything possible to help that happen. Meanwhile I am still waiting for the Shine to give me his blessing.
Instead I gave W some lame analogy about his friend B and what if three consecutive days in a row he showed up at school wearing the same recently purchased item as W and at first it would be weird but by the third day it would be bizarre. Later after picking up some videos and deciding on our afternoon I was asking him questions about school and how he liked New York and he said “what is with all the bizarre questions?” – where did he come from???? I applauded his perfect use of the new word. Reminded me of my brother D who used to come sit on my bed late at night when he had gotten home from whereever and he would say, okay, word of the day, and throw out something like resilience or pulchritude and then make me use it in a sentence – always applauding my ability to do so. I miss him so much it makes my heart ache – but that is another story – a long sad story.
I also told W that I might not live in the LaLa and explained to him what was going on and he said “if S steals LaLa from you” and I said he is not stealing it – he owns it too and it might be better for him to live there. So then W suggested maybe we should get back together so we could both live there. I said I don’t think that is going to happen honey and I will find a place to live that will have a swimming pool if that is what you are worried about. And we laughed. Again, I think there should be a service that rents sweet 6 year olds to people having a bad day – because you could watch Scooby Doo’s Aloha movie and watch them eat more than you have eaten in a week and then cuddle on the couch with that little hand of his reaching back to hold yours – where does that instinct come from with him and why does it feel so awesome? Then you think there are 6 year olds and there’s W and it’s hard to think of him in a generic sense. Links are formed with people (kids or adults), animals, places that are intrinsic – that cannot be forced – that happen without you having any control over them – it’s hard to say how they are formed but some are so strong there is no denying the power they have over us.
N and I talked about N’s porch and she and the snake did not even know they were creating this special place but there it is. And how do you create it? It just kind of happens. Maybe. But N calls it sublime beauty and I say sometimes it is neither sublime nor beauty and it still has power over you. It’s the bizarre connection in a bizarre context and it exists as its own entity and the fact that we have no power over it and it has this power over us is what makes it sublime beauty.
The note says: so I here I sit listening to Tom Petty’s The Waiting is the Hardest Part. And I have to laugh and laugh and laugh.
S, who said he was not going to read the blog anymore, reads the blog, gets mad, and in his last note says it’s obvious you are waiting for N.
“she joined a nunnery and waited for the sun to shine and he was young and confused about himself and the world …. ”
“you’re not that young.”
I am not waiting – I am here in my beloved wreck of a city living, grieving, hoping, yearning, loving, sleeping, breathing, dreaming, laughing, working, walking, talking, writing, feeling – not waiting to do these things, doing them 100%.