One woman’s struggle with anxiety
I met a talented woman recently who had a panic attack in front of me and I told her I would go speak to her about it and then saw her but there were too many people around so I sent her this email:
I have been meaning to stop by to talk to you – not only because I do want that _____ but also to talk to you about my experience with panic attacks. I didn’t want to bring it up with my friend there and other people walking in. But I know that it is curable – so here is a brief history and what I did:
In 1985, I had my first panic attack when crossing the Causeway and then developed a phobia about crossing the bridge. Lesson #1 – some people have anxiety which is that when something happens their body shoots adrenaline into their system causing the fight or flight response. People with anxiety have a faulty trigger – they sense danger but instead of seeing that it is over continue to shoot adrenaline into their system causing them to have panic attacks.
Most people’s first attack happens during something big like a parent dying, or severe stress, or hey, events like Katrina. But what happens is that it is accumulated stress – instead of you having a panic attack right when you are in the midst of that bad thing, it just collectively builds up and then one day out of the blue when you think everything is hunky dory – boom you have a panic attack.
For some people if this happens on a highway, on a bridge, or in a closed environment it might even manifest itself into a phobia of not wanting to be in that situation again. Some people also have a support person, a talisman – a person they love – who keep the panic at bay when they are around, but when they aren’t then they feel vulnerable.
I went to see a psychiatrist when I had my first attack and another one 10 years later when I had the next attack. Both times I was disappointed. The first one almost yelled at me because she said I was doing too much and I thought that was so amusing. The next one put me on Zoloft even though I didn’t want to be drugged (don’t mind drugs for recreation, hate them for remediation). But he convinced me that I was “sick” and therefore needed to take antidepressants. I did that for six months but then took myself off because I hated the flatlined feeling I had – I’m a writer and I couldn’t write a word in this state.
Then I saw something in the newspaper – it was by this guy who called himself Dr. Fear – and I was so adverse to talking about it and naturally adverse to anyone who would call themselves Dr. Fear that I put it aside, but after a while when the phobia didn’t go away and just got worse and my panic seemed to arise more often and I had less control over it and thought I was going cuckoo – I ended up going to one of his workshops and lo and behold it was the cure I had been looking for.
This guy was a doctor with Kaiser Medical Center in California and he had always suffered from panic disorder. When his son ended up having it, he felt sorry for him but still didn’t do anything about it for himself or his son. Then his son committed suicide and he decided to dedicate himself to curing himself and to helping others.
What it amounted to was a 10 week behavioral modification workshop (one hour a week). I learned a lot and it has helped me for the last ten years not only not have panic attacks anymore but also grow in my career and self because I’m not clouded by the fear of having anxiety anymore.
So here are some tips:
First and foremost, the mantra is this – the meaning of life is not to be comfortable. So you will always seek comfort rather than do something that might make you panic, but remember this, you can manage your anxiety by understanding it and having tools.
Tool #1 – You are not crazy. You have anxiety disorder which means your reaction to things is heightened and you only need to learn to control your body’s physiological reaction.
Tool #2 – Exercise every day – by working off some of the stress and adrenaline it helps to keep you focused and centered.
Tool #3 – When you feel that light-headed, other worldly, out of body experience – take a deep breath and count to 4 and then let it out slowly. YOU WILL NOT quit breathing much as you think you might during an attack. Your body will not let you quit breathing.
Tool #4 – you need a mantra or something that switches you out of the emotional state you are in into a cortical thinking state of mind – so either do multiplication tables, recite a poem or anything from memory that you know, sing a song, anything that switches your mind into thinking about something rational and structured.
Tool #5 – Try to meditate whenever possible – stress is something that accumulates in you – and for people with anxiety it is hard to sweep this stuff under the rug – find time to close your eyes for 15 minutes and get rid of all the stuff in your head (this is the hardest one for me because I am a whirling dervish).
Tool #6 – If something seems overwhelming – a big project deadline – taking on too much at work – write down what would be the worst case scenario and then say it aloud numerous times till you see how ridiculous it is to be worrying about this thing. People with anxiety disorder tend to catastrophize things and make them bigger than they actually are. Remember Grace Under Pressure – Hemmingway’s credo.
Tool #7 – have a role model – when you are in the midst of falling apart, and can’t seem to catch your breath or feel like you are passing out or going crazy – think of someone you admire the most and how they would react in a similar situation.
If you want to talk about this further let me know – I empathize so much with this issue and I felt for so long that I was hanging out there on a limb feeling nutty and weak. But learning that a lot of people have this problem and that there is a solution other than taking medication that can solve it – helped a lot.
My favorite story was a woman who developed a fear of flying – which I think is so appropriate to everyone with this problem – an irrational fear lives in us and keeps us from spreading our wings and flying – and she started to visualize that what if when she landed the mayor would come meet her and bring her a key to the city, and a brass band would be there playing for she’s a jolly good fella, and there would be ticker tape parades etc. In other words, flip it – rather than thinking this is all going to kill me or the plane is going down – think wow this is great – and I know how to control my breathing, and this is all going to turn out good.