Rambling, I’ve got Rambling
My mind is like a pressure cooker just waiting to explode that is why it needs lots of meditation, lots of alone time, lots of unfrenzied external stimulus. I’ve always been the sort of person who could go crazy all by myself with only a pencil in my hand. I’m finding that unquietness alarming sometimes when I listen to the dialogue in my head from a distance (hard to do). Last night I dreamt that I was confessing something, it wasn’t anything that I haven’t already confessed but here’s the deal – it’s no secret that I think I don’t do enough and so I was confessing that I’ve been lazy – WTF? (that’s not cursing is it, when you use the acronym?).
Yes, I was confessing to being a lazy lout in my dreams and then I woke to end up berating myself for being so hard on myself and wondering if there was anyone I could speak with who could really tell me once and for all if indeed I am a lazy lout but who to trust. Do you see how things go on?
Yet yesterday I did not go to yoga or meditation because I went to the neighborhood association meeting about the recent burglaries in the hood. So I started thinking that I am not doing what I want to do but doing what I feel I should be doing and then I get totally mired in the details asking myself what it is I should be doing and why is it I can’t just honor whatever it is and then the irrigation wasn’t working and I thought if I have one more thing to do I will explode!
So here we are on Wednesday – hump day – and I have gotten myself entwined with this Bridge project, I have had to jump in on a work project that I thought was being handled by someone else, I have had to call the irrigation man just so I can spend yet some more money on maintenance of this house, I got sucked back into the old feelings of guilt over an affair I had and my divorce as I was empathizing with a friend who is going through the same, I have not been able to get one word read in my new Mitchell novel in two days, I’ve not seen a film or live music to offer me a grand escape, and I missed yoga yesterday and meditation and someone nominated me to be on the Neighborhood Association board and I had to say no in front of everyone even though I’m a yes person.
This is a heavy load. So right now I’m going to meditate before my next step and I’m going to make sure that between work, Tin’s doctor appt, my doctor’s appt, and the rest of it all that I take a moment to quiet the rambling in my mind.