Mate selection in the wild
I was reading an article about birding in India (two great passions of mine combined – yay) and how there are tailorbirds that design intricate nests to attract females – the males compete and the female decides who is the best designer and which nest she wants to live in and with which bird. Ever notice how the NYT is what NPR was a decade ago? It seems like sprinkled into every conversation I had ten years ago was, “I was listening to NPR and …” Now I feel like it’s “I read in the New York Times … and. ” I’ve found the Sunday Times to be everything you could hope from a newspaper except one thing – local news. It’s a damn shame the NYT couldn’t have a local section since they are somewhat the archivist of New Orleans post-Katrina anyway. But I digress.
Back to talented birds that build nests. I was speaking with a friend the other day who wants to meet a man, fall in love, and have a child (most likely adopt). She said she is going to go against her instincts this time and not go out with the guy she is immediately attracted to – we had been discussing a man who asked her out, whom she was not attracted to, who is actually sort of a charming guy of his own sort.
I told her women of our age (40s to 60s) have not been hard-wired to find a mate like our parents had been. My mother was so proud and encouraging of the many choices I had as an independent woman she almost railed against marriage for me. She told me my whole life, you can do anything sweetheart, and she was somewhat envious of that fact.
So independence gets you where? Well, it is not without merit. I vowed after what I saw in my family to NEVER be dependent on man. But I threw out the baby with the bathwater, I was not dependent on men financially nor emotionally because truth to be told I knew so little about men having only observed the ones in my family who over-indexed to machismo. So I was unprepared for the vulnerable, kind men that I actually was attracted to – the more fragile species.
But I told my friend, here is what you need to size up with the next man – is he a good provider, will he be a good father, and is he kind and trustworthy? Who the hell was thinking of this when they were making their partner selection in their 20s and 30s – not I. I was drawn to the opposite of what I had known at home, I sought the sensitive man, the artist.
Only the world had not hard-wired these men for me – a thinking, independent, free-spirited assertive woman. Their boy code made it nigh impossible to feel masculine in my presence, and my directive to be fiercely independent and different from my mom made me a tough nut to crack. So while we were both attracted to one another like a house on fire – he could not imagine taking care of me and nor could I. Mutual dependence is the basis for interdependence to start a family.
Albeit, recently on observing a friend of mine who has been dependent on her man for their small family and finding out that he has been dipping into another sugar bowl for a few years, the first flinch I had was – damn, whatyagonnado now? You need to get yourself financially independent, woman.
So much like other areas that I’m learning about – like how women of my age never learned to style their hair (few updos other than ponytails), we also never learned how to pick a mate.