I’d rather be whole
I was speaking to someone late into the night, exchanging war stories about our lives and then I found my friend going down a rabbit hole. The intent was clear, and my friend even said “I guess I wanted to know if you’re as bad as I am.” I said my escapades were mistakes of the heart not otherwise.
I’d rather be whole than good. ~Carl Jung
I heard this quote the next day on a parent support call where we were exploring Jung’s quotes and how they resonate with us. I have wanted to be good my whole life, but I have done some not so good deeds, and I would say 99% of the time my wrong doings were done with the intent to find love.
This love thing is so tricky especially as I grow older. Everything I thought about having butterflies is now dispelled under a sobriety lens that I have tuned into because of my son. Butterflies signify hyperarousal, which could be telling me to run as much as telling me to pounce. I used to believe butterflies were love at first sight. Now I have to discern which is it? For overthinkers, this is akin to second guessing myself.
Second guessing butterflies leaves me vulnerable AF. A place, y’all know, I don’t like to be, until this year when I decided to make vulnerable my journey onto the next wrung.
So how to sift through the data that is coming into my brain – this is good, this is not good, this is bad, summary judgment? The jury is still out. As I sit back on my heels assessing the whole, I come back to more will be revealed, but how much more do I need revealed? FFS!
With all things that are too complex for me to understand, I try to use my vulnerability wings to let go of the knowing. Another quote I heard that morning was, “Coincidence is a miracle in which God chose to remain anonymous.” Psychologists, scientists, mystics and astrologers will debate coincidence as nothing more than meaningless all the way to it is the harbinger of a mysterious destiny. Or that a coincidence is personal. Or meant to be. Meant for me. I can’t shake a coincidence, I find the ones I encounter to be meaningful.
I find butterflies to be energy – this person has stirred up energy in my system. In an emotional mature state, I have to suss out if the energy is because they pull at the familiar or if it means I need to investigate further. Is the energy here to point me in a direction? In my earlier days, butterflies might have meant jump in bed or marry the fool. Ah, age what have you done to me?
I came into this life, this version of it, seeking all of the experiences I could have in one lifetime. It has meant that most of these experiences have not lasted a lifetime, but instead have had a season and a reason. I would like to harness the wisdom the years have given me, but alas I’m trying to manifest my own destiny while learning to let go and trust that everything’s gonna to be okay. My experiences, big and small, have helped me hold these two forces simultaneously. They have also shut me down too many times and turned my heart into a impenetrable stone.
My goal is to open and be free. So today, I focus on my wings, on freedom, and let all the data inform this way of being.
