Dear heart …
Is there something you want to tell me?
I am a conflict of speed. My go to is to move fast, think fast, and I feel an inner drive to go faster and faster. My body is telling me to slow down, I’m moving too fast, I need to be kinder to the age of my vessel. My mind is telling me to slow down, I’m thinking too fast, I’m turning and spinning too fast, and I need to slow down. My spirit is telling me this is my time to slow down, so enjoy it.
A friend from afar called to chat with me, it was a catch up since we haven’t really spoken in years. As she asked a question and I sped through the details, she would ask, “Pause, Rachel?” She wanted to digest what I was saying and ask a question before going further. She was keeping time, and I was speeding through it in my rush to catch up.
Adam, my therapist, will stop me and say wait, right now, there, how are you feeling? Are you in touch with how you are feeling? We are on zoom but he notices me becoming breathless, my pings of sadness, my anger coming through a tonal change. He catches these nuances as I speed through them, racing to get to the point.
A fortune in a recent cookie said, “Take time to relax.” I taped it to my kitchen window, above the sink, below the hanging plants put there to hide the iron curtain wall erected next door. I can’t see the words because the light is too bright outside, my cataract is getting bigger, and so I squint to see it, to remember what my need is – to slow down, to relax. Ah, yes, I remember.
There has been speculation that perhaps my urgency is a trauma response. I grew up amidst chaos and so there is a part of my central nervous system that is wired for action and reaction. In my ACA meeting, we all speak about this chaotic upbringing, this wiring inside of us, this need for drama because it is so familiar.
I’m not the duck though – the one who is calm on the outside while her legs are paddling up a storm. I am the busy bee. You could see my energy visibly as I move quickly from one task to another, from one thought to another, from one word to another, fast and faster. Many people have asked me to slow down if they are walking with me, biking with me, conversing with me.
Yet, there are so few external stimuli that relax me. It used to be a glass of wine. It used to be strenuous exercise like marathon, triathlon, running. Now I read a book and fall asleep mid-sentence. I go to a movie theater and keep myself from falling asleep in those new comfortable chairs. My speeds are go or sleep.
My heart says slow down, honey, you are running to your grave. Take a beat. Take a breath. Pause. Wait. Feel. There is a wide territory to explore between go and sleep, I need to train my mind, body and spirit to explore this landscape and find out what and who awaits there.
