Is there something I want to say?
I’m falling all the way into the quagmire of vulnerability as I dismantle a few walls. Why? the idea would be to grow into a better version of myself. Maybe even work my way up a few rungs on the spiral of my life.
This accepts that with more vulnerability will come more suffering, so it also means accepting I will suffer more. Years ago, I spent time with a zen master who told me the suffering is resisting the threshold of change. And change appears, over and over. I wonder how many times I need to hear, learn, feel this in this lifetime?
My vulnerability path today is to try to unravel what was supposed to happen and did not. I should be in Tucson, waiting to pick up Tin tomorrow, instead I’m in Bay Saint Louis, trying to recalibrate my never having left. All around me are the notes and signs I was leaving here to go there, now I’m here with my mind there. I feel vulnerable to melancholy, to not completing what I set out to do, to missing Tin and straddling two worlds.
So this weekend, I am clearing a path, instead of the road to Tin, I will tend the flowers on my mother’s grave, which I have neglected for too long. I’ll free my voice trying to unearth deep seated beliefs that close me off and allow vulnerability in.
I have been trying to learn how to fly for quite some time. I’ve been writing for as long as I can remember. I am uncomfortable with change, especially plans going awry. So this is an exercise in listening. Today, I will follow my spirit, not my plans, which means anything is possible.
